Acceptance helps stop the spin...

spinning's picture

“They told me that life could be just what I made it—
Life could be fashioned and worn like a gown;
I, the designer; mine the decision
Whehter to wear it with bonnet or crown...
—Nan Terrel Reed, 1935

When I finally get the guts up to start posting, it springs from a need that is greater than my fear. I’m desperate, searching, drowning, spinning...and I need all the help I can get if I am to survive. Literally. As a sole supporter of myself I must not let the Zombie-me take over. Zombie-me is fighting hard for control, and ‘spinning’ is whirring around on a downward spiral, not a fair match at all.

My first post is about a little victory, except it doesn’t feel at all like “winning.” I ask why in the world do I feel so destroyed that I got completely D & D’d because I refused to have sex with a person who was treating me horribly and not speaking to me for more than a week. When I agreed to see him because I hadn't accepted that no contact was necessary, he apparently thought I’d go racing into his arms while tearing my clothes off at the same time...but I didn’t. I had already been reading ‘It’s All About Him’ and was learning too much to continue in the old pattern...so I didn’t. Disordered one says “it’s okay,” when I say I’m exhausted and leery. Disordered one says “I’ll call you tomorrow. We’ll go get Mexican” and kisses me on the forehead and leaves. I awake in the morning to a note that says “I love you” with hearts drawn all around it. It is written in pencil (a clue I’ll understand later). Of course he never calls. I never hear from him again. He has vanished.

I’m supposed to feel good about this because after all, I knew I had to get out of the relationship and stop the madness. I knew it would be up to me because he would never, ever let go. He never had before. D & D’d and hoovered once before, a year ago almost to the exact date, though I didn’t know what it was at the time. I had made it 21 days NC and he came pounding on my door. Since I didn’t know what he was, I believed the manipulation. I let him in and let myself in for another year of pure hell.

So now I’m out but I feel like hell. My heart and head are at war. For some reason I think I “need” this person if I am ever to feel better. Fortunately some little shred of logic inside of me reminds me of the utter insanity of looking to my tormentor for relief. So I don’t. I look here, on The Path Forward instead. Having learned the hard way, I now accept and embrace the concept of No Contact. I do not chase him down. I do nothing except read.

When I post the question asking why I feel so bad when I really “won,” it’s immediately answered with a blog about cognitive dissonance. I had read about CD before, but it isn’t until I’m experiencing it that it began to make sense. I accept it.

Accepting it helps so much that I start to post more. I’m too paranoid to post any specifics. I had six years of conditioning by disordered Cop and feel he’s omnipresent and omnipotent. I’m very paranoid that he’ll somehow find out I’m “spinning” and that terrible things will ensue. I’m careful and guarded; but each time I post it is met with a thoughtful, sometimes brutally truthful reply.

Weeks go by. I read and read and post and read and learn and learn and learn. Throughout this process it dawns on me that I have to accept a lot of things I’d really rather not think about, much less accept.

I have to accept the FACT that he was never my friend. What “friend” leaves a person while they’re taking care of their dying father? What “friend” says they’ll call, take you to dinner, take care of your animals while your taking care of your dying father and then simply disappears? This person professed to be my “soulmate.” Professed that I was his “other half,” his “sister,” his “best friend,” the “love of his life.” What does all that mean now? NOTHING. And I’m stuck with accepting that.

So I try. And I keep trying. Some things are pretty hard to accept, including my role in the entire dance of darkness. Somehow, some way, he took the lead and who I was faded slowly into the shadows like a ghost. A zombie. I knew this was happening but I couldn’t find the strength to stop it. The timing was never right...I kept making excuses and thinking it would change if only I tried harder, was more compassionate, more forgiving, more, more, more...

Making peace with myself for the disordered lengths I went to for an extremely disordered and abusive man thinking I could “save” him is perhaps the most difficult part of the process. I keep at it. I work on accepting that I became disordered myself. His sickness was making me sick, too. Ugh. That’s hard to accept.

Eventually, it starts to click. I post more and more (because when I ask a question, I receive new things to consider) and it really helps. I find I am at a place where I’m finally “getting it;” It was NEVER ABOUT ME, it was truly ALL ABOUT HIM! The Zombie starts to shrink and
‘spinning’ doesn’t seem like such an appropriate name any more.

I start changing the signer a bit. Initially it’s (determined to stop) spinning; (trying desperately to stop) spinning; (somewhat stopping) spinning; (finally slowing down from) spinning and so on until it becomes (totally not) spinning THE SICK M’FER TRIED REALLY HARD BUT HE COULDN’T TAKE ME DOWN. That angry signer was my motto for months. It still appears when I’m in a mood. And I’m okay with that because it is the truth. And by the way, I couldn’t care less if he reads anything I’ve ever written these days. I tell the truth of him, too. The fog has lifted, the paranoia dispersed, I am no longer afraid. He holds nothing over me and never again can or will.

Today, my signer is mostly the same each time. (not) spinning AND IT FEELS GREAT; (not) spinning AND VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT; (not) spinning I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND CONFUSION and so on. Not so angry. Not so focused on him...which is the point I’m trying to make here and why I share this rather wordy ‘spinning signer’ story.

Once you go through the process and start accepting that the outcome really couldn’t have been any different; that you were really meant to learn this lesson so you can choose for a better outcome in the future and that your spirit and your soul are intact and indeed shining, you’re no longer focused on the disordered one and whatever the circumstances are/were of his/her life. It becomes meaningless because it is meaningless. It becomes nonsensical because it is nonsensical. It becomes unimportant because it is insignificant with regard to your own shining qualities and path toward joy and fulfillment.

It is said that what you focus on becomes your reality. Focusing on the disordered one and their disordered behavior so that you can understand it really wasn’t YOU is an important part of the process. But the sooner you can process and accept what you learn, the sooner you can shift the focus onto what brought you there and fill in the gaps so you will never, ever go there again. That’s where the light really shines...

With love and gratitude from the other side,
(not) spinning. AND STRIVING FOR THE DAY WHEN NO ONE WILL EVER SPIN OVER THESE DISORDERED ONES AGAIN

Comments

Luv2bme's picture

"Best Friend"

My N also told me I was his "best friend" I was all he had, his soulmate etc.. so when N would treat me badly or accuse me of being crazy I wondered what I had done to make this person who claimed to love me treat me so badly. After a period of time I asked if he cared or loved me because I felt like he didn't. He would laugh and say of course he does, he said those words a couple of months before he moved out and left me on mother's day.
This N abandoned me when my mom was dying from cancer and would occasionally report to her any correspondence he and I were having. He told her while she was sick that leaving her daughter was the best thing he ever did.., I couldn't believe how cold and callous he was.., My mom had treated him like her own for over 20 years. He didn't bother sending a card after she passed to offer condolences after she passed, nothing.
I believed all those years that he was my best friend.. I think that's one of the reasons I had such a difficult time facing the truth, even after how cold he was during my mother's illness, the lies he told everything until I found this site and read, read, read, I would have never believed anyone who claimed they ever loved me could be so cruel. Thank you and everyone on this site that has helped me face reality as difficult as it is.. Thank you.

ItsFinallytime's picture

Cognitive dissonance

Thank you, Spinning. This is an amazing post. I'm very new - 6 days NC and very much feeling the effects of cognitive dissonance. I've been looking for that post on it that you referenced and can't find it. Does anyone have a link to it?

don'tlookback's picture

De-fogging

Thank you for this Spinning.A lot less foggy now and will keep on striving to get to where I need to be.

wildfilly68's picture

Thank you

Great post. Thank you Goldie for linking it ; )

pretzel's picture

I love where you said have to

I love where you said have to be careful because ultimately thought he knew everything. I went through that too still do somedays. keep expecting to get a call and why did you do this? and why did you wear this? and how come you are doing this? but the beauty is he can't ask me anything anymore. he can't make me doubt myself anymore. he can't decide my life anymore. he will never ever tell me what to do again. IT'S MY LIFE finally !!!!!

lmac70's picture

thank you

This really is so empowering. This line alone has already helped me so much:

"Once you go through the process and start accepting that the outcome really couldn’t have been any different; that you were really meant to learn this lesson so you can choose for a better outcome in the future and that your spirit and your soul are intact and indeed shining, you’re no longer focused on the disordered one and whatever the circumstances are/were of his/her life."

I'm so happy I found this place.

Maggster's picture

Thanks Spinning- Your posting

Thanks Spinning-

Your posting left me feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time. I would love to join you on the other side...

Maggster

yogaflower's picture

Spinning

Your post really echo's my experience, every single bit of the way but I'm not that far ahead yet I'm not on the other side yet, everything you said is so true and sings to my soul but i have tears in my eyes from reading this because I'm not ready to accept that I meant nothing to him, i know it's true and that it IS ALL ABOUT HIM, but like you i felt if only I tried harder, was more compassionate more forgiving then I would be able to fix it!
Thankyou for your post I'm going to print it out and read it over and over because I know I deserve better and I know he'll always have that hold over me until I truly believe I deserve better, Just need help getting there!
Thank you sister x

Bella10's picture

You do express yourself

You do express yourself beautifully. I love how you don't care if he reads what you write. My suspected narc came across my journal and I have written letters expressing my anger and sadness that he could so easily leave a 19 year marriage and 3 children. I lashed out not expecting him to read it. I had written notes from sites on Narcissism so it was all for him to see.
His reaction was scary but I panicked big time and tried to explain my actions and ended up sobbing and pleading and saying I didn't mean it, I was just trying to make sense of why this has happened.
Days later I felt weak reacting that way, he had no right to read my journal even though he said he wasn;t snooping but it was well hidden. I am still scared of his reactions and am trying to stay calm and placid. I don't want to rock the boat even though he is the one who has had an affair and has left me amidst other narcissistic type behaviours. These behaviours seem to be controlled now he is with OW and he is the perfect man when he is with her. What is that? I don't understand

Annabelle0831's picture

Bella10

Isn't it funny when Narc's do something so inherently wrong, we blame ourselves. This is what they want us to do. I cannot tell you how many times my husband read my journals and hacked into my emails. I started writing stuff to him in the journals, it was so predictable. He would justify and say "You wanted me to read it or you would not have had your eyes dart to the place where the journal was hidden." Seriously!!!
I have also come to the sad realization he probably cheated on me, which makes me sick. I have to go get tested for std's next month.
I too only feel anxiety and panic when I speak with him. I am terrified of his reactions! They are so abusive and laced with half truths. No wonder we always feel as if we are spinning, this is our bodies natural reaction when we are in danger.
I have stopped spinning since I have had less and less contact with him.

narcfreeinms's picture

Spinning in Light!

Dear (NOT) Spinning,

After getting a good night's sleep and feeling quite peppy, I decided to get my coffee and hit this site. Something told me to click on this section.

As I read, I envisioned this image of you spinning in darkness like a tornado and you being in the middle of it (as we all are). And as I got toward the end, I saw your image spinning away from the darkness/tornado going into light, beauty, and calmness. Going into peace. Going into tranquility.

I used to oil paint and write lyrics before I married my narc. And now (since narc and I are divorcing and he's no longer here), I'm getting back into it. My creative mind is coming back. The fog is lifting. And so seeing or reading anything inspirational has really begun to fuel my creative side. In fact, I want to do a painting after reading your comment. I want it to represent what you beautifully and accurately described. I don't know exactly how I'll interpret it onto the cavas, but I can't wait to get started.

I commend you for putting difficult emotions and painful scars into words that we all are able to relate to. Your writing offers us all hope and encouragement. For someone who hesitated to post at one time, I am SO grateful that you feel comfortable enough and empowered enough to post more and more. You're needed here.

Thank you for being courageous enough to share what comes from your heart and soul. I share things on this site that I normally don't share with more than a few around me, and I feel liberated that we have our "clubhouse" to go to and do exactly what we're doing now.

I don't know about everyone else, but I APPRECIATE reading people's comments and replies. For those that are strong enough to call any of us out and REMIND us what the steps of healing are, you're awesome! You are kind-hearted and compassionate, and there is no doubt that you care enough about us to tell it like it is and say, "Hey, we understand your feelings, but don't wander off the track because you won't heal. This is your reality check. I care about you." We all need that.

(Not) Spinning, my coffee time was extra special this morning. I drank it feeling the light of hope and peace. Thank you for that.

nfim :)

Tigerlily's picture

Wonderful post, Spinning!

I just love your writing.
So glad you made it to where you are now.
Hugs
Tigerlily

Lisa E. Scott's picture

Spinning

OMG, I LOVE this:

"It is said that what you focus on becomes your reality. Focusing on the disordered one and their disordered behavior so that you can understand it really wasn’t YOU is an important part of the process. But the sooner you can process and accept what you learn, the sooner you can shift the focus onto what brought you there and fill in the gaps so you will never, ever go there again. That’s where the light really shines..."

Thank you so much for your incredible insight and wisdom. XOXO

Lobo555's picture

Printed this out

This is SO going in my must-read-when-I'm-spinning file. On days like. . . um, yeah, TODAY. . . I'll read this. A big thank you and hugs for writing this.

fearlessfemale's picture

Thank You

I am so grateful you posted this. AWESOME words of wisdom written from experience and received as a gift of understanding. Thank you so much (not) Spinning.

-fefe (becoming fearlessfemale)

Sparrow's picture

Spinning, this post is

Spinning, this post is incredible! Your words are comforting yet very informative. Everyone should read this every morning when starting their new day in recovery.

Awesome. Thank you my friend!

clover16's picture

Spinning, your words are

Spinning, your words are beautiful. Thank you for showing how this is a process and your words show how the stages unfold. Thank you for welcoming me to this site over a month ago and your prose keeps me going.

Femmegem's picture

Awesome post (not) spinning

Thank you as always for sharing your insight

He most definitely couldn't take you down...and he NEVER will.

X

Goldie's picture

You have it Sister Spinning

They are not our friends; never were and never will be. I can relate to the loss of parent with a NARC in the picture.

I was 27 with a 3 year old son and my Mom who was only 55, went on life support one evening. I called my son's father the Narc and told him my Mom was dying and he said he would call me back. Course he did not, I called him back a day or two later. He said oh sorry, there is a lot going on in my life right now, OW stuff I did not know about at the time. He says if there is anything I can do and I said YES there is, you could watch Joshua the day of the funeral. Of course he did not, i did not hear back from him until the funeral was OVER.

The other piece of acceptance for me is forgiveness of them yes, but more importantly, forgiveness of self for even letting them in our lives in the first place.

Forgiveness and acceptance come towards the later stages of recovery and if you are not even thinking along these terms right now, do not beat yourself this is all part of the journey and path and we are at various stages of recovery and you wil get there as you WALK THE PATH FORWARD.

God bless,
Goldie

greengirl91's picture

Thank You..that is exactly

Thank You..that is exactly the place where I am now.

I`ve been in highly CD these days, even if I wasn`t the one who broke NC.

"Why did he call? Why did he come back? What does he want? If I speak for myself, if I say NO to more abuse and manipulation, I feel "guilty" for saying that. I feel like I am pushing him away, and that I am pushing "love" away. How distorted is that?.. Cognitive Dissonance at its best I suppose.

But I gotta hang in. I have to choose myself, and stop punishing myself thinking, "what have I done again, why if I did the right thing for me, I feel so bad?"

Such a mess in my head.

My mind intuitively knows the truth. My heart doesn`t accepts it yet. The battle between the mind and the heart as you said..

Used's picture

spinning

AS ALWAYS, EVERY THING YOU POST IS INSIGHTFUL, LOVING AND KIND.....TO THINK THAT YOU WERE THIS BRAVE TO GET AWAY....SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT THE PERSON YOU ARE...
I CONSIDER IT AN HONOUR TO KNOW YOU, AND KNOWING WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN THRU, HASENT CHANGED YOUR AMAZING CHARACTER...
LOVE USED.....XXX

peacelily76's picture

Brilliant!

Just what I needed to read after doing a fair amount of spinning myself. You just upped my resolution to be unafraid! Thank you!!

Londonteacher's picture

Thank you so much for posting

Thank you so much for posting your story. You are so insightful and have this amazing gift of pinpointing and articulating what we feel deep in our core. You are helping so many people--including me. Thank you again.

Run4it's picture

Ah Spinning

you have spun the perfect tale of healing today! Good things are happening in the universe and you are one of them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hunter's picture

:). Love this.

:).

Love this.

fallingfoward's picture

Thanks (not spinning)

What a great blog, I needed to read it today. I felt like a zombie with him, during the last year. I felt like a zombie today, but at least I know this will past. If I would have stayed with him, I would have been a zombie, forever. I left him, he would have kept playing the games, if I would have let him. It was a good choice 11 days ago, and it still a good choice today. Thanks for all the sharing you do, you are a mighty fine woman. :)

I_am_free's picture

I love this post!!! You have

I love this post!!! You have motivated me to keep going..

ThaNK you

:)

13Moons13's picture

Spinning, I, too, am so glad

Spinning, I, too, am so glad I read this today. I call my "spinning" the "snow globe"...everything is quiet and calm in my brain until something happens to shake the snow globe and all the unwanted junk in my brain is shaken up again.

I was doing well in my recovery..took a fun ski vacation last week..I was so happy, but then I started thinking of the N all the time again. I read about the psychic connection and wonder if that is it? I keep waking up at 2:30 in the morning and can't go back to sleep. He goes to bed at 2:30 when he is on second shift, but I don't know if he is on second shift. I feel like I have taken a giant step backward, back to the beginning. I keep talking about him again, but NC to or from him except his older son texting my son and his younger son poking me on Facebook (everyone else is blocked and I have my page in lockdown except for friends only)

Very anxious and panicy again lately...But I will maintain strict NC and start moving forward again.