There is much talk and concern on here regarding the hoover.
What is a hoover?
Sometimes it is simply an attempt for the PD to SCREW with you. They are bored or angry with you, someone else has just pissed them off so why not take it out on you.
Sometimes they are afraid, afraid of losing you as future supply. Afraid of being alone because new supply is low at the time. Afraid you will TELL and if they keep you sucked in and "hooked" you will keep your mouth shut. PD's do NOT like to be alone and they do not like to be low on new supply so they call you in a "lonely" space when new supply does not answer the phone. Afraid that you will find someone else if they do not hoover and then they may lose you as future supply. NOT future love of their life, but future supply. PD's do NOT love, they devour, they use, they destroy.
Sometimes new supply is just not working out for the PD. They can see right through them, they are not giving so freely of the money, or time. They are not as willing to play their sexual games, and PD's like to control and manipulate so they go back to their last victim for another FIX. Not because they love you or she is better or you are worse or you are better and she is worse. Has nothing to do with this, it's willingness. Are you still willing to play the game?
More often than not hoovering is about control and or boredom on the part of the PD.
It is NOT a reflection on how much they LOVE you or WANT you. It is about their needing or wanting something FROM YOU in the MOMENT. This is a tough one to accept; yet it is the truth. We know them by their fruits; we know them by their past behaviors. There is NOT NOT NOT going to be anything new or different here, no matter what they SAY, the actions will continue to remain the SAME and in some cases worse, because if you let them back they lose all respect for you and feel as though they have more control over you than ever. This is not about love; this is a sick game with them.
This is why if you ACCEPT the hoover and whether or not you either talk with them or have them over, you always feel badly shortly thereafter, because you soon see that nothing has changed.
You were simply being used again by a PD. An emotional vampire. A preditor who wants to suck you dry and once you are depleted again of your joy and resources, they are once again gone. This may take a day it may take a few weeks, but they are gone again and of course they were never there to begin with, it was only an act, part of the script, the movie.
WHY then do we get so excited when they hoover or so sad and angry when they don't?
Because we are still addicted to them, still addicted to the FEELING which WE had when we were with them. Notice, I did NOT say the feeling THEY had because they did not, you miss the FEELING you had, the only problem is that YOU were the only one feeling the feeling and this is why you are so drained and exhausted after dealings with the PD once that initial HIGH wears off.
You are doing the work for two; think childbirth. Try doing that everyday for a few years AGAIN and see how you feel after that. This only get's worse, never better, regardless to what you may be thinking when you are in the throe's of YOUR addiction. Kidd yourself one more time and years may go by before you get out once your addiction is on full throttle.
Once you break YOUR addiction to the PD, that feeling of wanting the hoover and dreading it at the same time will leave. This is NOT disimilar to the drug addict, once they get the DRUG out of their system the desire lessons in time.
One of the reasons some remain emeshed with the PD for so long is because they continue to feed that dog, and in some cases months after the PD is physically gone. Don't feed the dog, work the steps, change your thinking, refuse to entertain long drawn out "plays" in your mind. Get up and do something else when this starts. WE do have control over what we do, what we allow, and what we chose to entertain for our daily bread, our thoughts. LET GO of the illusion of the PD, there is nothing there for you and responding to the hoover is a sure formular for more PAIN.
Because once you remain COMPLETELY NC long enough to heal; you begin to see and know the PD for what they honestly are and not your version seen through rose colored glasses, but the truth of who they are, what they did to you, and what they will continue to do to you if you let them back.
The only way to break the cycle is to stay completely away from them and their manipulative influence over you.
The Hoover is in NO way shape or form a compliment, it is an attack on your serenity, and attack on your efforts to move on, an attack on your new life, and attack on your sobriety from the ill effects of the PD in your life.
Once the PD knows that you are done and they learn this by your not breaking NC EVER, they hoover's will lesson and they will eventually find someone else.
You cannot remain friends with a PD, why would you want to? It's like trying to turn your life over to God and the Devil at the same time, does this make any sense?
Either you want the light or you want the darkness, this is a choice, we cannot have it both ways.
AVOID the hoover, it is NOT a "SIGN" that he loves you or has changed in any way. PD's DO NOT CHANGE, it is who they are now.
For additonal support, to join one of our support groups, or to speak with Goldie directly, firstname.lastname@example.org