The HOOVER is NOT a compliment!!!

Goldie's picture

There is much talk and concern on here regarding the hoover.

What is a hoover?

Sometimes it is simply an attempt for the PD to SCREW with you. They are bored or angry with you, someone else has just pissed them off so why not take it out on you.

Sometimes they are afraid, afraid of losing you as future supply. Afraid of being alone because new supply is low at the time. Afraid you will TELL and if they keep you sucked in and "hooked" you will keep your mouth shut. PD's do NOT like to be alone and they do not like to be low on new supply so they call you in a "lonely" space when new supply does not answer the phone. Afraid that you will find someone else if they do not hoover and then they may lose you as future supply. NOT future love of their life, but future supply. PD's do NOT love, they devour, they use, they destroy.

Sometimes new supply is just not working out for the PD. They can see right through them, they are not giving so freely of the money, or time. They are not as willing to play their sexual games, and PD's like to control and manipulate so they go back to their last victim for another FIX. Not because they love you or she is better or you are worse or you are better and she is worse. Has nothing to do with this, it's willingness. Are you still willing to play the game?

More often than not hoovering is about control and or boredom on the part of the PD.

It is NOT a reflection on how much they LOVE you or WANT you. It is about their needing or wanting something FROM YOU in the MOMENT. This is a tough one to accept; yet it is the truth. We know them by their fruits; we know them by their past behaviors. There is NOT NOT NOT going to be anything new or different here, no matter what they SAY, the actions will continue to remain the SAME and in some cases worse, because if you let them back they lose all respect for you and feel as though they have more control over you than ever. This is not about love; this is a sick game with them.

This is why if you ACCEPT the hoover and whether or not you either talk with them or have them over, you always feel badly shortly thereafter, because you soon see that nothing has changed.

You were simply being used again by a PD. An emotional vampire. A preditor who wants to suck you dry and once you are depleted again of your joy and resources, they are once again gone. This may take a day it may take a few weeks, but they are gone again and of course they were never there to begin with, it was only an act, part of the script, the movie.

WHY then do we get so excited when they hoover or so sad and angry when they don't?

Because we are still addicted to them, still addicted to the FEELING which WE had when we were with them. Notice, I did NOT say the feeling THEY had because they did not, you miss the FEELING you had, the only problem is that YOU were the only one feeling the feeling and this is why you are so drained and exhausted after dealings with the PD once that initial HIGH wears off.

You are doing the work for two; think childbirth. Try doing that everyday for a few years AGAIN and see how you feel after that. This only get's worse, never better, regardless to what you may be thinking when you are in the throe's of YOUR addiction. Kidd yourself one more time and years may go by before you get out once your addiction is on full throttle.

Once you break YOUR addiction to the PD, that feeling of wanting the hoover and dreading it at the same time will leave. This is NOT disimilar to the drug addict, once they get the DRUG out of their system the desire lessons in time.

One of the reasons some remain emeshed with the PD for so long is because they continue to feed that dog, and in some cases months after the PD is physically gone. Don't feed the dog, work the steps, change your thinking, refuse to entertain long drawn out "plays" in your mind. Get up and do something else when this starts. WE do have control over what we do, what we allow, and what we chose to entertain for our daily bread, our thoughts. LET GO of the illusion of the PD, there is nothing there for you and responding to the hoover is a sure formular for more PAIN.

Because once you remain COMPLETELY NC long enough to heal; you begin to see and know the PD for what they honestly are and not your version seen through rose colored glasses, but the truth of who they are, what they did to you, and what they will continue to do to you if you let them back.

The only way to break the cycle is to stay completely away from them and their manipulative influence over you.

The Hoover is in NO way shape or form a compliment, it is an attack on your serenity, and attack on your efforts to move on, an attack on your new life, and attack on your sobriety from the ill effects of the PD in your life.

Once the PD knows that you are done and they learn this by your not breaking NC EVER, they hoover's will lesson and they will eventually find someone else.

You cannot remain friends with a PD, why would you want to? It's like trying to turn your life over to God and the Devil at the same time, does this make any sense?

Either you want the light or you want the darkness, this is a choice, we cannot have it both ways.

AVOID the hoover, it is NOT a "SIGN" that he loves you or has changed in any way. PD's DO NOT CHANGE, it is who they are now.

God bless,

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Alexy's picture

Explains everything... The

Explains everything... The reassurance I needed for the weak moment my heart has right now.. It was just beating a little out of time with my head.. But after reading this post.. Back on track!
Thank you! Xx

outoftheashes's picture

So true...a hoover means nothing

Reading this a lot since I broke NC a couple of weeks ago. Just like a lot of people, I mistakenly thought I would get that long awaited apology or display of remorse. Got the apology (insincere) as it was followed by a "but YOU said blah blah blah." They take no blame or responsibility.

Struggling to push through this one. Contact did equal pain. Stayed awake most of the night reading and re-reading on this site. Going to just work harder to get through this backslide.

Not having a great day :(

losing the battle's picture


Am I allowed to get myself just a teensy weensy bit excited at the prospect that a completely unexpected hoover 6 months into his silence means his oh-so-wonderful-cant-wait-to-marry -her romance is not all that it seems????

I have re-read all your wise advice on this, have NOOOOO intention or desire to respond, know it's not a compliment (in fact it's a no-frills request for cash!! Still thinks I'm a sucker, eh? This supply-well has dried up and been demolished, creep!!)

But can I allow myself a small smile of satisfaction that in light of his request his new victim might just have found her healthy boundaries? My prayers for her and her childrens' well being may have been answered?? YESSSS!!!

Just starting to realise how far I have come.

Thanks to you all!


Used's picture


Just starting to realise how far I have come.

Its great when you relize this what a FEELING!!!!

Losing the battle YOU ARE NOT!

losing the battle's picture

Thank you, used,

We are all winners here.

Love and hugs.


Trixy's picture

2 weeks on

I just read what I posted here 14 days ago and wow! have I come a long way. Looong way to go yet but still. I do love this line, "that feeling of wanting the hoover and dreading it at the same time". I feel that a lot less now but I still have it. I am hoping a few more months and it will be GONE!!

Trixy's picture

what happens when we want to hoover?

Am I the only one feeling this? I too long for the hoover even though I know it will get me nowhere. I am sometimes tempted to initiate contact, I don't even know why, I guess because I feel guilty for walking out and still feel that my xPD's happiness is my responsibility. So it feels like just saying hi is a way of reassuring her that I haven't just abandoned her - but is it a hoover? Sometimes I wonder if I am as bad as she is - I so miss the way she used to make me feel about myself. That is - when it was good. I imagine her being on this site and reading all this stuff and thinking exactly that way about me. Although I know I didn't discard her, I tried to keep contact with her and also let her see my child, but she was just too crazy and manipulative to make it worth it. It was miserable so I decided to go for NC. 15 days today. I cannot believe how hard it is, seeing as contact made me mega miserable. It makes no sense.

Liberated2Aspire's picture

Hoovers equals ABUSE!

Hoovers are very irritating to me.

It speaks volumes on how steep a Narc's SELF-FISHness and how SELF-absorb they are about not losing supply.

Most of all in the past years (I don't allow it now) I reflect how draining it was and how it constantly kept me in the vicious cycles that revolved around the N only.

I wish I knew about this decades ago. It was always there from the onset. I just mis-understood it for "I'm a weakness to the N, and he just doesn't know how to express himself since parent's should have taught him better (after all father left when he was 9) nor understand himself after another self-absorbed, should have known better, crossing boundaries, immature act" BOY WAS I WRONG!

Hoovers to me equals noise from a Rock Band on CRACK with no unity.

ziggy's picture

Thank you

I need this constant confirmation.
I was so embarrassed and ashamed that when he didn't hoover I was hurt and when he did I was disgusted.
Thought it was only me.

Hopelessdenial's picture

Goldie, this really helped

Goldie, this really helped me. In fact I take it as a compliment he hasnt hoovered since the last time because this means I am crappy supply :). I was too independant and wouldnt have needed him for anything and well what Narc doesnt love to be controlling and needed!

Stace's picture

Hi goldie, thank you for this

Hi goldie, thank you for this xx Makes so much sense! What does it mean though if they don't hoover?

Is it that they feel that they don't want to "lower themselves" to be seen as if they're beginning to be taken back or that they are trying to get revenge in that they want us to wonder why they aren't getting in touch?

Just asking as my ex "warned" me before I walked away that "he never chases girls".

Alissa's picture

It always helps to read this

It always helps to read this blog, thanks!!!!!!!

I like this too : "Don't feed the dog, work the steps, change your thinking, refuse to entertain long drawn out "plays" in your mind. Get up and do something else when this starts. WE do have control over what we do, what we allow, and what we chose to entertain for our daily bread, our thoughts."


mystwoman's picture

This is truly phenomenal

This is truly phenomenal post, Goldie! Absolutely excellent, and so VERY true. Thank you so much for posting it.

The PD will continue to hoover you for supply as long as YOU let them. NC is truly the ONLY way to get the narc out of your life, and a hoover is definitely NOT a compliment. I went completely NC with xnh soon after he cheated and our divorce 2.5 years ago. Unfortunately for me, I was xnh's second wife. He very recently moved away to another state to live near his mommy, and because his third wife (the OW that he cheated on me to be with) told him she was divorcing him if he didn't actually start living with her as "man" and wife. I use the term "man" very loosely here when applied to xnh - lol. As for me, I am NC, he is completely out of my life now, and I am rid of xnh. I gratefully thank God every day that I'm free from xnh and his abuse. I am healing, and I have a very happy life now without him anywhere in it.

Xnh's first wife, however, never did go NC with him (or even LC for that matter). Xnh and I were together for 16 years, but xnh always had a key to her house the entire time, and he just walked into it whenever he felt like it anyway. He made all kinds of trouble and tormented her for years using their two children as the reason why he "needed" free access to her home. He stomped all OVER her boundaries, even years after their divorce. Because she has never enforced NC with xnh, this first wife has continually remained enmeshed and controlled by the PD whenever HE needs supply. He has also disparaged, devalued, and smeared her publicly at the same time he was using her for supply. She has NEVER gotten him out of her life, nor has she ever been able to truly move on, heal, or escape from xnh's control.

Recently, I heard that xnh has managed to suck this first wife into moving into his house (65 miles from her own job), paying his house payment for him, and supporting their hideous P 24-year old daughter (who exists on welfare), the daughter's gang boyfriend (also on welfare), and the daughter's two children (by two different brief boyfriends than this current boyfriend). The daughter has never been married, lived on her own, and she absolutely refuses to work. Meanwhile xnh has abdicated his own responsibility (his mortgage payment), and he's somehow managed to convince the first wife that SHE must support/enable the hideous P daughter's life mess (plus paying for HIS house in the process) WHILE XNH BLISSFULLY WALTZES OFF TO LIVE WITH OW IN ANOTHER STATE WITHOUT A BACKWARD GLANCE. Incidentally, xnh cheated on both his first ex-wife and I with this same OW. She just keeps popping up in xnh's world, much like a stinky turd that won't flush down the toilet. Currently, she's his third wife (aka, his most recent secondary supply).

The difference between the results of going NC (or not) with xnh is pointed out very clearly in my own situation. *I* went completely NC with xnh, and he is out of my life permanently now. Xnh's first wife did NOT go NC, and she still has him in her life just as much (and worse) as the day he D&D'd her 20+ YEARS AGO. OW is heading directly toward her own devalue and discard. Xnh never changes.

Without NC, the narc will NEVER go away. We will NEVER recover and move on with our own much healthier, happier lives without NC. If allowed the narc will hoover FOREVER, whenever they want supply. You are absolutely correct. A hoover is not a compliment. It is an attack. NC is the ONLY way to make the hoovers stop, and get the narc out of your future life.

You hit the nail right on the head with:

Either you want the light or you want the darkness, this is a choice, we cannot have it both ways.

AVOID the hoover, it is NOT a "SIGN" that he loves you or has changed in any way. PD's DO NOT CHANGE, it is who they are now.

So true!!!

Huge hugs to you Goldie!

ItsAboutMeNow's picture

Just joined your site today..

After a 10 month relationship, I finally saw him for what he was. Not ready to tell my story but I have a question regarding the hovering. It has been 2 weeks since I finally said enough and walked out. Did really great the first week with NC but this past week hasn't been medal worthy.. ha! My question is this..we were discussing what happened and the reasons for the breakup and he looked at me and said "I never told you I loved you". My whole being went into an immediate rage and I let loose with venom. Why would he say that? Is he trying to be hurtful because he didn't need to try, he was? The very next day, he sends me a text and says "I don't want you to write me off completely because I may get my $hit together". (When I left, he promised me he would go to counseling to get help. He says his first appt is this coming Thursday..IDK whether that is true or not but I hope so for the sake of his children). My response to him was why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who says he is unable to care or love me? Just trying to make some sense out of his comments. Part of me knows there is no sense to be made. Just having one of those low moments this afternoon..over thinking. I know I was right in leaving but doesn't mean I don't miss that feeling of being needed by his sick being. The feeling of believing someone needs you....

Goldie's picture

He "needed" you alright; for supply

Begin to explore why YOU have a need to HELP disordered men. What you see is what you get. Grown men rarely change very much. You need to accept this in order to understand the con from your perspective. He targeted a do gooder, an empath, a women who likes to help the disordered.

Did he get better? Were your efforts successful? He may have said I never loved you because he doesn't know how to love. Most of what they say is for effect and it's working because clearly this comment turned you into a heap of emotions. He said it for effect. Just like when he says he loves you for effect, to get what he wants. You are being manipulated with all this therapy talk as well. If he were so invested in HELPING HIMSELF, he would have gone a long time ago and who knows if he even will go and for how long if he does. MORE reindeer games, PD's rarely if ever change, it is a part of their personality.

Keep reading and posting, welcome to the forum.


ItsAboutMeNow's picture

Just joined your site today..

After a 10 month relationship, I finally saw him for what he was. Not ready to tell my story but I have a question regarding the hovering. It has been 2 weeks since I finally said enough and walked out. Did really great the first week with NC but this past week hasn't been medal worthy.. ha! My question is this..we were discussing what happened and the reasons for the breakup and he looked at me and said "I never told you I loved you". My whole being went into an immediate rage and I let loose with venom. Why would he say that? Is he trying to be hurtful because he didn't need to try, he was? The very next day, he sends me a text and says "I don't want you to write me off completely because I may get my $hit together". (When I left, he promised me he would go to counseling to get help. He says his first appt is this coming Thursday..IDK whether that is true or not but I hope so for the sake of his children). My response to him was why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who says he is unable to care or love me? Just trying to make some sense out of his comments. Part of me knows there is no sense to be made. Just having one of those low moments this afternoon..over thinking. I know I was right in leaving but doesn't mean I don't miss that feeling of being needed by his sick being. The feeling of believing someone needs you....

Crw's picture

I too am new here and new to

I too am new here and new to the narcissistic world. Feeling I was beginning to go crazy, a looked for help from a therapist who explained to me I was not crazy but more than likely dealing with a narcissist. Since that diagnosis, I have been doing a lot of reading and have found this site which I pray will help me. We are not married and aren't dating anymore but have remained friends. I have been in love with him for 5 years . . . Before and after the breakup. I'm not ready to share everything but I know I need help. Some days I am good but others I am a basket case.

ItsAboutMeNow's picture

Just joined your site today..

After a 10 month relationship, I finally saw him for what he was. Not ready to tell my story but I have a question regarding the hovering. It has been 2 weeks since I finally said enough and walked out. Did really great the first week with NC but this past week hasn't been medal worthy.. ha! My question is this..we were discussing what happened and the reasons for the breakup and he looked at me and said "I never told you I loved you". My whole being went into an immediate rage and I let loose with venom. Why would he say that? Is he trying to be hurtful because he didn't need to try, he was? The very next day, he sends me a text and says "I don't want you to write me off completely because I may get my $hit together". (When I left, he promised me he would go to counseling to get help. He says his first appt is this coming Thursday..IDK whether that is true or not but I hope so for the sake of his children). My response to him was why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who says he is unable to care or love me? Just trying to make some sense out of his comments. Part of me knows there is no sense to be made. Just having one of those low moments this afternoon..over thinking. I know I was right in leaving but doesn't mean I don't miss that feeling of being needed by his sick being. The feeling of believing someone needs you....

EAD46's picture

wolf in sheep's clothing

Just today i realized why mine keeps the sick relationship alive w his ex wife in another state. He controls her w sex so she doesn't expose him. They're playing a sick game of emotional blackmail.

His WORST fear is she'll unmask him to relatives. She knows he's a wolf in sheep's clothing & would reveal his perversions, lies, degradation of women & drug use to his relatives & friends in their small southern town.

His family was rigidly conservative, religiously fundamentalist and sexually oppressive. Tons of skeletons in that closet ie incest, etc.

I SO fantasize about unmasking him to those folks!

Goldie's picture

Are there some who never Hoover because you called them out?

Calling them out means nothing to them, trust me, they have been called out many times before. We are not the ONLY one's who they have been abusive towards.

I told mine he was not human, was the devils spawn, there was a place in Hell already waiting for him with his name on it. I went on to say, I hate you and have reoccuring thoughts that bad things will happen to you and if you ever come near me again I will call the police and have you locked up for good. I went on to say, you are a narc, psychopathic, freak of nature who is of no use to anyone on this planet. You are a pathetic loser, crack head, lousy lover, who is most likely gay or a pedophile because clearly you have no interest in grown women.

NOW you would have thought all of that would have been enough to keep him from ever coming back, but noooooooo.........

Needless to say, I was so done with him, I wished I had never laid eyes on him in the first place.

He called the next day and left a message saying that he wanted to pick me up for a cup of coffee AND that he loved his bebe so much.

The ONLY time they do not come back is if they have plenty of new supply OR you don't have anything else that they need or want at the TIME......

If this changes for any particular reason, they'll be BACK.

Not because they love you; not because they care or miss you but because......

They are low on supply OR you have something they want or need at that moment.

It really is that simple.

I'm sorry to say and I know it hurts many of us to realize this, yet....

It is the truth of the matter.

They are exceptionally selfish, they use people, and they don't give you a second thought if something else is going on.

Many of them are texting OW as they walk out the door after telling you that you are the love of their life and they want to marry you and spend their lives making you happy.

They lie lie lie and they cheat cheat cheat and they primarily think about themselves and securing new supply. That is their life.

So, in answer to your question, they will not hoover if they have new supply OR you don't offer them anything they want anymore. You won't talk to them, you won't have sex with them, you won't give them money, you won't listen to their tired old stories, or you are done and they know there is nothing left for them with you. In a case like that, they may not hoover.

They are pretty good at knowing when the gig is up and if it is completely up; they may make a few more feeble attempts or try to suck you back in so that THEY can be the one to END it.

The more obsessive compulsive one's who don't have much else in the way of supply may stick to you like glue for life and if it's a case like that, you need a R/O and some members have even had to move with no forwarding address. They are not all that bad though, it depends on the particular situation.

I have heard of a few cases where they don't ever come back, mostly those are the psychopathic ones who have so much rage towards you that they do it mostly out of spite because they know how much it will hurt you and they are looking for revenge for their narcissitic injury because you were not a good enough slave for them.

So there is no exact answer just probable answers.

Hope this helps.

God bless,

aceonelady's picture!

Hi there,Goldie,Ladies...This morning i got anemail from Ex N ,after 3 months...He says QUOTE"I WILL BE HAPPY WHEN THIS MESS IS OVER WITH.TAT IS HOW I ALWAYS FEEL NOW AND HOW I HAVE FELT IN THE BEGINNING OF MY UNDERSTENDING OF LIFE.sO ANYTHING YOU WOULD SAY IS MEANINGFUL TO YOU BUT IS NOT WHAT I WANT OR NEED.MY DEATH IS WHAT I NEED OR WANT." Well i do not know what to think of it...To tell the truth,i did shed a tear ,but on the other side this shows me how he really is...i am now feeling a great inner peace ,and feeling that NOBODY CAN REACH a totally lost cause...i accept that he is never going to feel good,no matter what he does,or someone tries to do for him...Is his load that i tried to share with him,but now i see he has to carry it alone...Love to you all

Goldie's picture


He is basically saying:

Narc Speak:

"Since my life began, since I was a young boy, I have NEVER had any interest in hassles. They are not for me. I avoid them at all cost and since you were not my slave I have no interest in this situation because it is a mess and I don't like to clean up messes.

If YOU have some need to get it out, share your feelings, talk about it ect...that is YOUR problem because I have no interest in talkng about anything, unless it involves me getting what I want and having things my way so keep YOUR feelings to yourself, I have NO interest or desire in hearing about them.

I am a major drama king and when my life has hassles and messes it makes me just want to escape and act like a big baby because I am unstable and selfish to the core. If things do not get better and go MY way, I am going to make it sound like I would prefer death so that YOU and others will feel sorry for me and pity me and then I will be able to manipulate others into doing things MY way."

God bless,

DixxieBelle's picture

OMGosh this is spot on. It's

OMGosh this is spot on. It's always a pity party, he hates conflict, I always said he is such a drama king, everything is so dire, all the time. It's all BS, he's BS.

NoNarcingZone's picture

The Hoover...A 'Backhanded' Compliment!

A backhanded compliment is described as an insult that is disguised as a compliment.

We've been separated 2 yrs (since I found this site). He was deployed most of that. time He's back (but resides abroad) & knows my eyes are WIDE OPEN to what he is now. Disordered. I let him back in 'temporarily' after a 1½ of NC. I feel my continuous therapy sessions have once again thickened my skin & cleared the fog. He hoovered HEAVILY right before he arrived in the states from deployment. He ran so hot/cold after a week of 'playing' sane husband. He began to show disdain toward our toddler - stating that she's spoiled/undisciplined...and it's my fault. Ummm...she's 2½ assclown! Anyway, I was D&D because I went calmly apesh*t on him - explaining that our REunion wasn't happening. He left back to Europe w/out a word to us. Sent a birthday email 2 mos later sending well wishes & that my present was on its way. That was Sept. Last email came in Dec. He notified me that he'll be returning to the states by summer & requested a copy of our marriage - I assume for housing purposes. Ummmm...the ONLY document he'll receive from me @ this point is a divorce decree.

Two years ago, I would've anxiously awaited those emails. With the hope that he still cared & wanted to salvage the relationship. That was THEN. I'm getting my life together as a single parent...again. The ONLY partnership I'm interested in - is at SALSA (dancing)! I could give 2 sh*ts about that whackjob of a loon! LOL I was a COMPLIMENT to his dwarf-like ass!

Goldie's picture


Your name says it all: NO NARC ZONE. All set here buddy. Typical narc blaming YOU because your child was acting like a child. They cannot stand the "appearance" of anything which does not LOOK picture perfect even though their own lives are trainwrecks..

I can remember my X getting embarrased because my PUPPY was acting like a PUPPY. Like somehow this was going to be a reflection on HIM.

WTF, get a life buddy!!!

You have made enormous progress and must feel wonderful to no longer be under his thumb.

God bless,

HappyToForget's picture

Appearances = perfect

Omg. I love when I read something here that bounces around my head like a million light bulbs going off... and it reinforces how high he is on the narc spectrum:

"They cannot stand the 'appearance' of anything which does not look picture perfect even though their own lives are train wrecks."

Mine asked me to read a Miss Manners book before I met his parents - his mom is OCD and dad is allegedly a recovering alcoholic;
He was always embarrassed about something, and hated to ever look foolish, which is is why he never danced, got unreasonably angry when I teased him about pushing a door that said "pull", and refused to wear a silly hat at Xmas that I had given my 8 yr old son;
Said my house was too small, kids were too young, dogs were too hairy, I can't even remember all the details anymore I just recall thinking that I could never be perfect enough for him, never give him enough attention adoration affirmation security.... Not my f-ing job. Meanwhile, his son is a drug addict, daughter is completely self-absorbed, and he can't save a penny to buy a house. At the age of 43, he's a fading loser, desperate to hold onto his looks.

Thank you for reminding me that he always thought everything was about HIM...people are looking at HIM - no they're NOT! Accept the fact that nobody gives a shit about you, loser, you are INVISIBLE!! Good luck chasing perfection. His life is nothing (or just plain ordinary)... And nothing about his life will EVER affect my future. So glad I didn't marry him, sell my house, have his kids... I AM FREE!! Okay, now I need to repeat that about 100 times... :)))

wannaletgo22's picture

Hoover is NOT a compliment

Goldie- thank you for this blog post-it's so insightful. A lot of us have lamented at one point or another that we weren't even good enough for a hoover...or even those who fear it, at the same time look at it as some sort of validation or proof that the intense feelings or connection they feel with their N is somehow reciprocated. When I first signed on here a few months ago- I was still in that frame of mind. Unfortunately- I think it may take first hand experience and a few rounds of hoovering before it really sinks in- hoovering is NOT a compliment. Experience has shown me that he will say anything (usually exactly what I most need to hear) to suck me in...but there is no action behind it, and worse still, no INTENT to act behind the words. The second I'm in...he backpeddles...sometimes just minutes later. Anyone who gives a rat's ass about me, wouldn't do that to me...not after all the drama and pain and suffering he'd cause. Normal people, even those who aren't particularly kind or caring, would have a little mercy, walk away and let me be. When I finally got that, I got that the hoover was far from a compliment. Now I see it as an insult....demonstrates how weak and desperate he thinks I am- that has helped me maintain No Contact....proving to him, but more to myself, that I am not some pathetic person who can be so easily manipulated and used.

Goldie's picture

Beautiful Wannaletgo

You are getting there. A big Woohoo to you!!! They need to be shown that when we are done; we are done and no B.S. hoovering is going to change this.

I fully understand that for some, when they don't hear from them again or for a long time, it feels awful, like we did not mean anything to them at all and they were so easily able to walk away.

This however, is not the case. When you do not hear from them again its because their power supply source is no longer buying into their crap and they know that they need to discard you for new supply or they wait until your batteries are recharged and they come back to go another round IF YOU will ALLOW this.

That is the most pathetic hoover of all. They leave you for dead and then come back much later when you are back on top of your game in the hopes of sucking you back in again, only to leave you once again after they have sucked you dry.

DON'T fall for it, they don't change, they will do the exact same thing to you again.

Trust those of us who have been there.

I does NOT get any better.

God bless,

gettinbetter's picture

AMEN!! What goes thru the

AMEN!! What goes thru the head of a Narc when he hoovers??

I think your still dumb enough to buy my bullshit.

The biggest compliment from a Narc is the discard. Once again a trip to opposite land.

The translation of the discard:

You dont feed me enough anymore cause you are calling me on my shit. You are starting to uncover that I am a fraud. You might tell people so I have to make you look crazy so that no one will believe you when you do. You were better than me anyway and I dont like how that makes me feel. So you must go.

Dorothy1's picture

Wow. I think that may have

Wow. I think that may have just answered the question I posted in another forum. I challenged him on a few things. There was still NO doubt I was completely under his control, but maybe he saw that there some things he was hitting a wall on. 1) I would not give up my best friend, no matter what he did, and 2) I would not finalize the divorce papers and lose my health insurance (I had just been diagnosed with curable cancer, a fact he never addressed in any way), and 3) I would not move out of the house that was rent-free until I was ready to. Even when I lived with him, I still had the house, and I think he hated that.

Goldie's picture

I agree with you totally Gettinbetter

Exactly, they are basically saying:

"I have USED you, ABUSED you, LIED to you, CHEATED on you, and completely BROKEN your heart, and NOW, I am trying to get back with you so I can do it somemore.

Where is the compliement in this?

Where is the, I will leave you alone now so you can heal and GET OVER my sorry ass?

Where is the respect that you NO LONGER want anything to do with them?

The hoover is a blantent disregard for YOUR wishes that they stay away.

ALSO, it someone truly LOVES you, they are going to do a bit more than send you a text, email, or call 100 times and leave either NO MESSAGE or a B.S. message like:

I miss your voice or you.

Big deal, what does that mean after nearly destroying your life?

Not much.

WAKE UP, the hoover is NOT a compliement by any stretch.

It IS as you say, Gettingbetter, an indication that they ASSUME or PRESUME us to be DUMB enough to BUY their B.S.

I was talking with Lisa last night and XXXNARC had called me the night before on an old cell phone that SUPOSEDLY was lost and he called both of my lines and left NO message. His is too much of a WUSS to say what he wants. Just calling and trying to leave his options open by saying nothing.

Clearly NOT a sign that he LOVES me so much, lol. A sign that new supply is NOT living up to his greedy expectations.

I said to LIsa: What does he take me for, a complete moron? Does he actually think that I have any desire to speak with him after ALL that he has done to me and my life?

GET REAL JACK ASS, IT IS OVER. Shall I spell it for you: O V E R, over.

Great to see you on the board, Gettinbetter, miss you.

God bless,

IncognitoBurrito's picture


I needed so much to hear this, at this very moment.

Thank you for the reminder.

Goldie's picture

Just Remember

So glad this helped you; it will get better in time. I no longer even want to respond to the X. He can hoover away and I don't even want to hear what he has to say.

You will get there, indifference is freedom from the bondage of love or hate towards them.

Get out YOUR feelings through journaling, posting, ect... and one day you wake up and realize that the spell has been broken, they no longer have any hold over you.

God bless,

ichooselife's picture

Hoover is not a compliment

Thankyou Goldie, i needed to hear this to remember....
My ex started stalking me before Christmas, in a round-about way. waiting outside the neighborhood mall near the stores i always go to, now emailing me once in a while. I couldn't figure out why at first, but i could tell by his behavior/ attitude toward me that it wasnt cause he missed me. It had been 6 mo that he'd barely seen me or talked when i called it quits but barely returned my hug the 2nd time i caught him following me. I wondered "Why would he go to so much trouble to come to my neighborhood being that he lives far away, and wait for so long to catch sight of me, than start talking about himself as soon as he sees me and be indifferent to my hug? wierd. Now i just assume the worst.He's doing it to screw with me (which it really did) and so i havent answered any emails. I will have to be strong next time i see him and threaten to call cops if i see him around here again. Thats hard for me.

Goldie's picture

He is like a rat looking for some cheese.

This is a perfect example of how they show up out of nowhere when they want something or are low on supply.

New supply is tired of their b.s. and mind games, so they hoover to see if there is any cheese available over at our place.

Great job on avoiding the hoover attempt; you go girl!!

We are fresh out of cheese here you DIRTY RAT. Guess you are going to have to go to the supermarket and BUY some of your own like everyone else does. Your days of soaking us dry are OVER.

Bye bye Narc Rat, there are rat traps all over my house now and it you even think of trying to get back you may get your little tail caught.

Keep up the good work, you are seeing him for what he is and this is a major part of recovery for us.

The truth about them will set us free.

God bless,

Lisa E. Scott's picture

So true, Goldie!!!!

Excellent blog post, Goldie! This is so true! Hoovering is NOT a compliment. Do not take it as such!

According to the on-line Urban Dictionary, the definition of Hoovering is:

“Being manipulated back into a relationship with threats of suicide, self-harm, or threats of false criminal accusations. Relationship manipulation often associated with individuals suffering from personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”

It is important to be mindful of this occurring so you can recognize it and not get sucked-in. The term Hoovering gets its name from the Hoover vacuum. The Narcissist uses all kinds of manipulative behavior to suck you back in to the relationship. He may threaten suicide saying that he can’t live without you. He purposefully plays on your good-naturedness to get you to feel sorry for him.

During this stage, the Narcissist reverts back to the courting behavior he exhibited in the beginning of your relationship in order to win you back. He acts loving, compassionate and supportive. He promises you everything you ever wanted and more. He acknowledges the error of his ways and promises to change.

Narcissists are very charming so the initial Hoovering stage is often quite successful. Not to mention, the Narcissist knows you well enough to know which buttons to push to get you to succumb to him.

Please know that the minute you take him back, he will revert to his old behavior. He is only coming back to you because he is incapable of being alone. He needs someone in his life to validate him at all times. This is not a compliment by any stretch of the imagination. It is an insult, if anything, because he thinks he can still get a reaction out of you. Do NOT give in and give him this satisfaction. He does not deserve this. NC is the only way to go here!

Anyone who has taken a Narcissist back can attest to the fact that they quickly revert to their old behavior once they have you back under their control. I can speak from personal experience, as can others here, and tell you before you try it that if you take him back, you only end up hurting yourself and prolonging your pain. Narcissists are incapable of change. They are master manipulators and can convince you of their good intentions, but please remember, it is nothing more than an act.

No Contact is the only way to go when breaking free. If you respond to him in any way, shape or form, he will continue to hoover. Do not feed the dog - Ignore, Ignore, Ignore! It's the only way to make him stop and leave you alone - allowing you to finally move on.

Goldie's picture

Thanks Lisa

Just for today we will AVOID the Narc Hoover and tomorrow and the next day; until they no longer have any power or control over us.

God bless,

susnebraska's picture

Hoover Empowering 2 ME!

When the EX NARC hoovered to me, I gloated. Why? He wanted to talk to me, obviously. Gain control of me again. No, way I say. So, I blocked his ability to text me further, and halted anyway for him to phone me. Telling him via email to go away and leave me alone....made me feel good.

But still, with each contact he makes toward me, I go through serious stress. It shows in my nightmares...of which I dream in I suffer.

Best advice, is NC. No Contact. If he comes to the door, which I wonder daily, I have a plan of action. Do not answer. Or, if I did answer, give him the cold shoulder. Tell him to go away. That he means zero to me.

Recovery from a NARC is a long process of pain and suffering. NC gives you strength to move on to a happier life, along with help from this forum, therapy, medications, and spending a lot of times with friends and family. Wish me luck. Ditto to you.

Yes, when he hoovers, i.e., tries to suck me in like vacuum, I gloat. What a loser, after all he's done, he's still trying to get my attention!

It has nothing to do with "love" for me. He had none for me. It's 'cause he's freaking out - that his long time supply - doesn't give a hoot anymore - me - and wants nothing to do with his sorry ass.

Goldie's picture

Great job at NC, you are dong the work and it will pay off

You are taking the steps to get him out and to assure that he stays out. He may come to your house, my did. He showed up after about 3 weeks of my having blocked him on my phones.

At that point I was locking my doors because a few times prior he had walked right in the door. When he showed up, I was on the phone with a member actually, and he was knocking and calling my name. I went into my bedroom, the furthest place from the front door, and I shut the bedroom door and could barely hear him in there and after awhile I heard him get in his car and drive away.

Another time, I just got in the shower and took a LONG shower because I could not hear him from in the shower and when I came out, he was gone.

What ever it takes, you can do this. The best thing if he comes to your house is to make sure it is secure. All doors and windows locked and get away from the door and call someone if you can and wait it out together with them on the phone until he is gone.

Any comments which you make through the door they take as supply, so it is best to say nothing.

Eventually he will get the hint.

God bless,

aj51's picture

But what exactly is hoovering? I think I'm experiencing it

Thank you for that blog entry – I am currently in that state of being happy to not have contact, but enjoying what I believe were hoovering moments, and then getting angry/feeling rejected when there is no hoovering. However, I’m still a bit confused on what constitutes as hoovering; I think I am experiencing it on some level, but I am not 100% sure.

As soon as I told my N that I needed space and had no room in my life for him, he left me alone – but of course I had removed him from messenger – which was the only way he ever contacted me despite having my email, mobile number and was a facebook friend. He has not tried contacting me at all.

BUT, as I described in my story ( he (I think purposely) flirted literally in front of me (he was sitting across the table from me – he chose to sit there after I was already seated) only after I had ignored him most of the night; he was going to show up at a party my friend and I were planning and he got angry when I told him I didn’t want him there; and then when I stopped by my friend’s office, he approached me three times to chat despite me cold shouldering him. I was thinking maybe he is trying to put on ‘aren’t a nice guy – how could you not have me around’ kind of approach. I’ve also wondered if he only approached me because there was safety in striking up conversation in front of my friend – I wouldn’t get angry, criticize him etc. - that perhaps he thinks I would have to be nice to him because my friend is there and it allows him to be in control (?) and exert his ‘aren’t a nice guy’ image without the fear of me knocking him down (?) Maybe that is why he doesn’t attempt to call, email, connect on facebook or text to my phone (?)

Goldie's picture

Yes, that was hoovering

Hoovering by proxy. If they cannot get to you directly they USE a third party. Family members, mutual friends, OW, ect....

They all have their ways of hoovering designed to get to you and if you avoid them long enough they will kick it up a few knotches with something new.

He has no need to contact you otherwise because he can see you anyway at the friends office and try to get to you that way.

Don't take the bait, there is no reason to ever get back with someone who plays headgames. You are much better than this

God bless,

Hidden Waters's picture

I've always wondered why my

I've always wondered why my ex-N hovers online. I have not contacted him in over 6 months. He broke up with me in May, but I eventually blocked and deleted him from everywhere online he was linked to me in mid-August. My Twitter, Facebook, Livejournal, blogs, everything.

Unfortunately, although I eradicated him from my life in those ways, I kept "keeping tabs" on things he did, because I was trying to find answers to everything that happend to me, to all of the abuse and his dramatic turn from Mr. Fantastic to Mr. Cold-as-F***.

I do realize it was bad for me to keep looking privately. But I also understand why I did it. All the peeking did was continue to keep me in agony and to carry on the abuse FOR him. When I looked I saw that he recently met someone else and is now claiming to be totally in love with this woman. Another long distance relationship. He met her online, has seen her only once, and already since Sept. they are claiming to be soul mates. She was gushing about how he's opened himself up to her so much and that they both identify with being hurt and rejected, among other things.

That let me know that he was surely telling flat out lies, as usual. The man who pathologically lied about everything. The man who cheated repeatedly with women in person and online. The man who led a secret life and told people he was single when we were still engaged. The man who kept telling me that he wasn't cut out for serious relationships, future marriage, he needed time to himself, he didn't see himself with anyone else for a LONG time, he would never do another long distance relationship again, and so on.

Within a week of dumping me in May, I found out that he secretly placed a personal dating ad online scouting for women, that he (online) romantically linked up with a shady woman on my Facebook who pretended to be friendly and nice to me (and someone he kept on telling me that looked like a man to him and that he had NO interest in), he posted nearly nude pictures of himself on an online discussion board for women to gawk at, and he blocked and deleted me from all of his messengers, and so on.

I've since stopped looking and keeping tabs on what he does alone and what he does with her. I am just left with information I last learned. Which was too much to put myself through.

BUT he keeps tabs on me. I have always had readership trackers on my blogs and online journals for years. It's been a way to keep track of people who read me that are on my f-lists, and also people who randomly visit. And it's a way to make sure that I guard myself from trolls.

Anyway he used to be on my Livejournal. I deleted him from that, too, in mid-August, but he still has ME on his f-list. He has no idea that I can see who reads my journal. I never told him I had a tracker there. When we were together, I'd sometimes post filtered journals entries to him, but of course that stopped.

He can no longer see protected entries, as he's not on MY list, but he still looks into my journal to see if I've posted any PUBLIC entries. Whenever he does, I get hits on my tracker and I know it is him.

As I mentioned earlier, he's met this new woman, she and her friends claim (through his word) that he is supposedly in love and all renewed and "changed" (which is hardly the case), but he looks in on my journal at least once a week. He's hit up my journal several times this holiday season.

A good friend thinks he is looking because he wants to compare how I am doing with how he's doing. That it's just a sadistic action on his part to match all of the rest of the sadistic c things he pulled in our "connection".

I have no idea what to believe. Of course I'd never contact him again, but I do admit to wondering why in the hell he looks in on my journal if he's so damn happy with this new woman he immediately replaced me with?

Goldie's picture

I think that your friends assessment is spot on

They are competitive, petty, creatures and they derive pleasure in thinking that they are doing great now and hoping that you are not.

Sick isn't it?

We all know that he is not doing great and it is only a matter of time that the truth will come out with this new.

Thank God you no longer have to be involved in his twisted web.

It is natural in the beginning to seek answers to what just hit us, most of us go through this, I am thrilled that you have been able to make strides in this area and of course when you no longer even have to look, you will begin a new chapter of your life without that venom in your life.

God bless,

purplekaty's picture

Thanks Goldie

This was just wht I needed to get back on track I have been out of my mind with thoughts of him since his Christmas text and I did text a greeting back and now beating myself up for it even though at the time it was just a simple Merry Christmas wish to him and his family, something I do to everyone at this season but reading what you wrote I gave him just what he needed at the time and I have been sick about it. I have seen the light lol and 2012 will not see me wasting another thought,tear,or breathe on that piece of shit. I will be staying very close to this site and working on me

Goldie's picture

This is great news, no need to bring his sorry ass into 2012

Good job, hope you have blocked him on your phone. This is all about self care and protection. You are doing the work and you will get there much faster if you cut ALL ties and remain NC.

A Happy Narc Free 2012 to you.

God bless,

A Narc Encounter's picture

Good Point - Wish I Read it Sooner

Glad you cleared this up. I was having a low moment this evening (after a month of NC) and called my former serial narc. I left a message. The funny part is-I know he won't return the call JUST to get me back. He would rather be hand cuffed and booked than call me back. This was the first shot I ever offered at me.

I gave it to him good his first and last gas lightening attempt on me, so I know better.

On the phone with a friend screetching "Why would you degrade yourself?"

Good question-that is what I did.

I broke up with him JUST before Thanksgiving and yes, he called four times and hung up. I felt "missed" and baskt in the glory-but the truth is, he simply had sub-zero supply during Thanksgiving.

Now he is with his mother for Christmas (the reason for his season) too bad he can't crawl back in her womb.

Goldie's picture

Lol, crawl back in her womb; the big baby.

Most of us get enraged over what they did to us and it is common to stoop to their level from time to time.

I D&D mine so badly the last time he pulled his crap that even when he hoovers now he is afraid to get on my bad side, so his hoovering attempt now are laced with fear.

Oh well, he deserved it, I am not losing any sleep over it. They get what they put out.

We have no need to feel guilty over being pushed to the brink.

God bless,

bgirl's picture

Spot on....absolutely....I'm

Spot on....absolutely....I'm going to read this post everyday until my brain computes...
Thank u Goldie xx

Goldie's picture

You are welcome Bgirl

NC, NC, NC!!!

Hoovering does NOT = caring, it simply means they are low on supply and looking for a fix.

God bless,