And so it begins...Spinning's 12 month ascent from hell

spinning's picture

“That which is to give light
Must endure burning.”
---Viktor Frankel

One day you wake up and you’re a skeleton.
You want to paste back on the substance that was you but you can’t find it in the ashes.
You reach in and pull out dust.
This is when you begin to understand that this is somehow the truth you were meant to find as a little girl who just wanted to be loved. This experience, this dance with the devil that scaled you down to the bones happened because it needed to. All of the things that brought you to the dance floor in the first place must be examined, turned over, and illuminated. You so want to find the light. You’ve been lost in the dark for so long...

This is when the little voice whispers, wimpers, mumbles, rumbles.
This is when you rise...

He walks across your path and you’re not ready. Not expecting it. You know a little bit about relationships—you’ve had a few of some significance—and you sort of remember what it felt like to be paid attention to.
This person is paying attention. A lot of it. More attention than you’d ever been paid and it feels a little like waking up. Something inside you stirs. You do not kow you are waking into a nightmare.
You do not sign on to be a specimen in this person’s petri dish. You are oblivious to the great experiment that is being conducted on your entire life. You don’t know you are The Next Project. The complete dissection that’s taking place just feels like the attention you’ve longed for since you were a little girl. For once you feel really, really special to someone. You don’t know that someone is The Evil Master in the ultimate sci-fi movie and that he is attempting to craft the perfect Stepford woman. You don’t know any of this because his mouth curves around so many pretty words. He lays them at your feet while he’s messing with your head, but to you it just feels like love.
This person becomes all consuming. In the meantime, you are being consumed...

Skeletons don’t make very interesting partners. There’s nothing left for the masked man to chip away at. Somehow, he makes it your fault that rather than create a perfect Stepford woman he created a zombie. Numb. Half dead. All the hoops you jumped through, all the never-ending game changes, all the confusion and the silence and the sobbing and the confounding “you-are-my-soulmate-I-can’t-live-without-yous” have your head spinning. You don’t know what to believe, but you know you don’t believe that any more. He tries, but you find there is nothing left to shock, hurt, terrorize or confuse. There is a hole in your chest big enough to drive a truck through and you don’t care. You don’t care about anything any more and you can’t hope for a miracle because you stopped believing you deserved one anyway...

...That’s when a miracle happens. The miracle is you have survived. You are alive. The evil master couldn’t steal the most precious thing; the Spirit that wants to rise and fill the gaping black hole he dug out one spoonful at a time. The Spirit of all of those who came before you, who allowed you to be here, who gave you life, who fought and struggled and fell down and rose again starts to whisper. They were fighters who overcame many horrible things. They are wispering to you, ‘Remember who you are.’ You hear it and you know you must honor them. This history of your DNA cannot be stolen. It’s locked into your cells and is yours alone. For that you realize you must honor yourself, too, for it’s a honor to be alive. And so you rise and it begins.

It starts at the stove. Every day after work you force yourself to cook yourself a good meal. Chopping the onions reminds you how miraculous food is. The miracle of a seed that grows into a plant that makes a flower that turns into a fruit that is made up of the sun and the rain and the soil of the earth. Life is a miracle and you start to cherish yours. In your ratty gray robe you chop and stir and think of the miracle in front of you. You don’t realize you’ve started to smile...

You start trying to shift the focus off of chaos and self-doubt onto the known reality of the miracles in front of you. You have to force it, literally hundreds of times a day, to stop allowing disorder and chaos to rule your thoughts and to make room for the gifts to rise to the forefront. The gift of waking up to another day. The gift of hands that can feel the soft fur of your cat. The gift of sound, your cat’s got the sweetest purr in the world and she gives it to you freely even as tears cascade onto her back. The gift of sight—the twinkling lights around your kitchen window make the room look cozy and you remember how much you love that room. It is YOUR kitchen and you can do whatever you want there now...

You go to work day after day. You can’t focus very well, but at least you’re there. You finally work up the courage to join a community you came across more than a year ago...when you first knew you were in a relationship with a Destroyer; when you realized you weren’t the crazy one and that what he was had a name, a diagnosis, and it was REAL! You didn’t join before because you were too paranoid. The vanishing master manipulator became so omnipresent in your life you thought he could read your mind and that he somehow knew your every move. You still feel that way, like joining and posting things about him and the “relationship” would be a betrayal! You laugh at the absurdity of that thought, and realize that if it weren’t for Lisa E. Scott and The Path Forward, you wouldn’t even know you had PTSD and were detoxing from six years of insidious brainwashing...

...You screw up your courage and click on join. You toss off two frantic sentences about why you want to join and pick the only name that seems fitting... “spinning.” You don’t even capitalize the first letter because you feel so small and weak. When you’re accepted, you start to Get it Out. You post and another miracle happens. People hug you with their words and keystroke symbols. People tell you things that make you feel better. People tell you things that make you feel worse. You listen to it all because you know you need to hear all of it. You pay attention. You learn. Before you know it, you’re shouting ALL IN CAPS that the SICK MF’ER TRIED REALLY HARD BUT HE COULDN’T TAKE YOU DOWN and you realize that you are, indeed, rising...
********
My dear, brave and committed sisters and brothers in healing and strength, if you have made it this far I thank you. This is my first “blog” attempt, something I began writing 12 months ago when I realized the choices I had were to either survive or evaporate into nothing. With the help of my sister (who had been in abusive relationship 20 years ago), my few but faithful and trusted friends, Lisa E. Scott and The Path Forward and Goldie and the Moderator Team, I haven’t just “survived,” I’ve begun to thrive. In the coming weeks I’d like to share my experiences with healing, the things I forced myself to do to get where I’m at today...this most significant day...12 months plus one day No Contact.

The “man,” as it turns out, did me a favor. The D & D was the best thing he ever did for me in the entire six years of hell I endured with him.

It is my hope that everyone here will one day look at the experience as necessary, healing, and a catalyst to true freedom, clarity, self-love and self-knowledge.

Most sincerely,
(determined to never again be) spinning

Comments

liveoutloud's picture

That was exactly what I

That was exactly what I needed to read tonight. It describes much of what I struggle with every day. Thank you for your brave and honest words.

lifeisbutadream's picture

Fantastic !!!!!!!!!!! Thanks

Fantastic !!!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much for sharing....

jekyll-hyde nomore's picture

<3

LOVED this. Who knew this was such a comman problem? Sad. Happy healing!

cjensen's picture

This article resonates with me.

I just read your post (not) spinning and this is such a beautiful piece of prose and so resonates with me. You have so succinctly expressed what I have begun to realize.

"This is when you begin to understand that this is somehow the truth you were meant to find as a little girl who just wanted to be loved." What you said here has become a big realization for me and something that I am working on with my counsellor.

"This person is paying attention. A lot of it. More attention than you’d ever been paid and it feels a little like waking up." The overwhelming grief I felt after the D&D was not just about him but it also felt to me that once again I had failed to find love or did not measure up. I know this is not true and recognize that each one of us deserves love for the unique and magnificent individuals that we are. For me it has to start with loving myself and knowing that I am enough not just in my head but also in my heart.

I am new to this site but have found it extremely helpful because after the D & D, I was feeling like an island and was having difficulty making sense of what had happened. I am so appreciative of the collected wisdom and love that is expressed on this site. Although I may not like or agree with everything that is said, I recognize that each of us unique and expresses things in different ways.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

aurora's picture

Amazing Lady

(not) spinning

you are amazing.

I am crying while I read this - so much of it resonates for me.

I feel so blessed to have found this site and the wonderful people on it, who really have helped carry me through this terrible experience.

God bless you, and thank you.

much love and gratitude

xx

TDbfree's picture

So true..

Spinning has always been there for me. She is very caring and gives us great support. I think it's like me dealing with my daughters, it's tough and they might not always agree or see what's best, but in days, weeks or months, they will hopefully get it. Everyday is a challenge in itself, just gotta find what works best to keep us strong and find peace. TD

Libi's picture

Thanks for directing me to

Thanks for directing me to this wonderful insighful poetic and beautiful piece of writing. Soul bearing and speaks to me from within my DNA. Just starting and still spinning myself (spiralling as I call it)and the support you (and all the other people who understand)have given me in other posts keeps me going in the right direction. A small fire started within and I will let it burn until its a furnace. I really love the quote at the beginning:
“That which is to give light
Must endure burning.”
---Viktor Frankel
well small sparks heres to the blaze!! but not in the depths of hell!
Lxx

Lulu_2014's picture

Amazing

A powerful message! Our ancestors live on in us. Thank you thank you thank you! I will honour who I am! I am feeling the love from this post and all the members on this site! I am beginning to feel the love for me! I am awake and alive and for that I give thanks,

Feeling the love,

Lulu

HappyToForget's picture

Re-reading this at 9 mo NC

Every time I read this again, a new thought strikes me. Like today, I am so very grateful to be on vacation in a beautiful sunny place with my amazing children. And I'm not paying for the XN, or worrying about his drama. In fact, I could care less about his life. He reeled me in with flowers and kindness from the very start, and when I mentioned once that he didn't always have to spend money on flowers (thinking I was being considerate), he "punished" me by saying that he'd never bring me flowers again. Black and white thinking; all or nothing; brainwashing and manipulation.

He used to say "you have no idea how often I think of you during the day." And now I am so GRATEFUL that he does not think of me, he found a new target before the D&D, and when I expressed my pain he flat out told me "I cannot help you through this. I have moved on and you need to move on." So I found this site... more support, validation, love and understanding than I could ever ask from my in-person friends. For that... THANK YOU. From the bottom and top of my heart! <3

DixxieBelle's picture

Thank you for sharing this.

Thank you for sharing this.

Narcphobia's picture

(NOT) Spinning

XOXO

Goodbyesnake's picture

I am new to this forum. Thank

I am new to this forum. Thank God I found it. This is so much inspiration for me! I will read it everyday!!!

Learningthehardway's picture

This post brought tears to my eyes.

They cannot take our DNA. We are US. They can't HAVE US. We are separate and whole without these leeches.

They are abusive and will drag you down and rip your soul and step on it.

I am finally MAD and it is a powerful emotion that feels RIGHT at this point.

hope29's picture

This has really helped me

This has really helped me tonight. :) thank you so much. Ive saved this to my phone so i can re read it when im feeling weak, it has brought tears to my eyes. Well done u! U must be so proud of how far u have come xXx

don&#039;tlookback's picture

Thank you so much spinning

Thank you so much spinning (your determination won through). Have tears for the Stepford wife that I never was or could be.In his kitchen.Feeling BROKEN. Now,I can look at the herbs I've just planted in my narc free kitchen window. Watch them grow.(hopefully, not that green fingered!)But at least I don't have to worry their pots will end up smashed.They(and I)can live in peace.Thank you for reminding me where I was.And where I'm at now.

x

Tamalane36's picture

Thank you for pointing me to

Thank you for pointing me to this (not)spinning!

again, it's harrowing how similar our experience has been.

i thank you, thank you for putting this out into the world. you have no idea how much strength it gives the rest of us!

xoxo

Butterflystar's picture

The Spirit

Spinning, awesome tale, particularly about the power of the Spirit and although you had nothing left you had the Spirit. In stories that I've read about the Nazi holocaust and POWs, the human spirit and what it's capable is what helped many of these people to survive. Your story is also a good lesson in being grateful for the simple joys that we have in our lives...Thank-you.

Not-this-time's picture

Very inspiring

Your story out of the dark is very inspiring to me!

kevsmart's picture

Wow

Speechless...just WOW!

Thank you!

Dragonlady's picture

Tears....

Thank you for this post. I'm out of the dark after 7 months, still struggeling to dare go towards the light. Can sure appreciate the small things though and the peace and quiet. My spirit is still intact, I can still feel it. I just need to learn how to forgive myself.
X

Samira's picture

Wow

Wow!
That was amazing, and I'm sorry for what you went throw and I'm so proud you managed to put a postive spin on things!

IncognitoBurrito's picture

Perfect

Perfect, just.... perfect. Thank you for this.

STLLady's picture

Love this

Thanks for sharing.

This really blessed me.

His D&D of me was the best thing that ever happened to me!

pretzel's picture

everything you just said

everything you just said mirrored my whole life for 13 years. no one ever paid attention to me the way he did so I had to have been special right? thank you for having the courage to write and publish this. I am going on 8 months since he left and moved in with someone else. I will be okay possibly even better.

findingfreedom's picture

wow! this blessed me today as

wow! this blessed me today as i was looking around, reading, learning. thank you spinning.

BrokenBlonde's picture

Thanks for sharing..

Spinning, thanks for sharing...this really hit home with me. And thank you for being there for me over the past week, it's been amazing to have the support of everyone on this forum as I try to work through what I'm going through. Without you and everyone else here, I think I would be lost right now. I feel like that Stepford Wife right now that's lost her self and trying to rediscover who I am. Thanks again for sharing.

Breakingfree24's picture

Inspired

Spinning! That was incredible and inspiring! I know the road is rocky and I no longer walk alone because of sisters like you. Thank you for posting what thriving feels like and all we have to be grateful for in life. I am disconnecting from my sick abuser more each day. The weird thing is he feels it and after I joined and posted my story the texts and calls started! He had the gall after everything to ask me via text if I would play hooky with him tomorrow and F**k All day! What an ass! Thanks to you and others posts, no reply from me! Just a sick feeling in my stomach for the pathetic scum he is! I am starting to feel like me again. Thank you and bless you for your strength you shared with me.

Much respect,
Kris

Breakingfree24's picture

Inspired

Spinning! That was incredible and inspiring! I know the road is rocky and I no longer walk alone because of sisters like you. Thank you for posting what thriving feels like and all we have to be grateful for in life. I am disconnecting from my sick abuser more each day. The weird thing is he feels it and after I joined and posted my story the texts and calls started! He had the gall after everything to ask me via text if I would play hooky with him tomorrow and F**k All day! What an ass! Thanks to you and others posts, no reply from me! Just a sick feeling in my stomach for the pathetic scum he is! I am starting to feel like me again. Thank you and bless you for your strength you shared with me.

Much respect,
Kris

nicolecollin's picture

you are quite a write

you are quite a write yourself. enjoyed this. can relate. just went to the store...time to eat something good. thanks for writing this.

Sparrow's picture

Spinning beautifully!!!!

Spinning, this post is beautifully written, with love, honesty, and compassion. I enjoyed reading every word of it!

Beautiful, simply beautiful!

fraidythecat's picture

Small World

Such a small world we live in that so many of us have experienced what feels to be the same emotions. It's comforting, in a strange way, to not feel alone in them. And it's encouraging, in a good way, to see there is light on the other side. Thank you for your posts.

greengirl91's picture

Beautiful..I can`t describe

Beautiful..I can`t describe how your post made me feel, but I know one thing for sure..it gave me HOPE. Hope that one day, I will discover my wings and learn how to fly again.

Ha, just like the song Blackbird from Paul McCartney :)

Thank you so much for sharing, you are an inspiration!

Crazy Train's picture

Love you, Spinning.

Thank you for sharing your personal journey. I am so happy that you are writing a blog. I have always followed your posts and am looking forward to the future ones.

Congrats on making it through to the other side. Hopefully with help from you and the other kind folks on this site, I will be there this time next year.

Hugs!

Crazy Train

Dolphin's picture

Kudos!! Excellent

Wow, As I try to reply through my tears, all I can say is thank you for sharing and it is like you walked in my shoes. You put words to my feelings and have given me more reason to continue this fight for me. You are an inspiration!! I will visit and reread this post everyday if you dont mind. I still find myself with all the emotions although I am able to function which is a long way from from where I was. I fight my thoughts daily and am learning that the little girl in me who thought there was good in everyone and that no one delibrately hurts another was so wrong. The light in me is still there it is just really dim right now but every day of NC it gets a little brighter.It is kinda ironic, he use to tell me all the time "I am the light, what you seek is fire." He did try to destroy me and came really close, but thank God my inner strength and voice kicked in and I found this site. Looking forward to your next entry :)

brinamarie's picture

Brought me to tears

beautifully written. you're inspiring.

Pride and Shame's picture

Beautiful Spirit

Your beautiful spirit is singing in this piece. I hear it - others hear it. You have much to say, I can't wait to hear it!

Please tell us about your healing. What do you do to quiet your mind? To hear your truth? What do you tell yourself? How have you de-programmed and de-toxed? How you have come to live and love your life and honor yourself so well?

Congratulations, spinning. Your words are inspiring!!

freaked's picture

Spinning dearest...i have

Spinning dearest...i have goosebumps as i read through this post... omg... you have put in words the exact feelings i was getting... exact same sequence of events...the idealisation...how i succumbed..and then the cheating, lying, stealing....and the rest of the story.

the best thing that happened was the d&d... strangely i was thinking the same last week.

your post sends out positive thoughts and i thank you for helping me become mentally stronger.

HUGS

lillymarch's picture

I love when you wrote: "You

I love when you wrote:

"You have to force it, literally hundreds of times a day, to stop allowing disorder and chaos to rule your thoughts and to make room for the gifts to rise to the forefront."

It's so true. 100 times a day. I'm down to about 10. Those first few months was a constant battle with my mind.

I still can't believe how badly they tore us down. How life seemed so painful. How death seemed a gift. Its the minds focus. It's holding on to something, anything you can grasp to keep you in life's arms. And then everyday, every endless day, we get closer and closer to our true selves. Even though I'm still dealing with some unfinished financial and custody business with the N, I'm so much a better person. I'm stronger, happier, peaceful. I love life! I'm living.

Thank you for this post! Such truth written in a beautiful way.

Lesleyeb's picture

Good for you

Dear spinning,

I read my life in what you just said. It took me 20 years to finally realise (even though I knew in the beginning) that I was with a MONSTER. For the last 12 months took its toll on me, but today I am happy, content and in a good space. I'm surrounded by people who love and respect me. People who have always been there but weren't allowed to be part of my life. I'm grateful for them. I've moved on and it feels good. My MONSTER on the other hand is lost and is surrounded by elements who validate his total being/existence. So, I don't hate him (like I did in the beginning) I pity him.

Good for you...

Lisa E. Scott's picture

Wow

OMG, Spinning - this is so beautiful. I am tearing up with goosebumps right now!

I love this: "Before you know it, you’re shouting ALL IN CAPS that the SICK MF’ER TRIED REALLY HARD BUT HE COULDN’T TAKE YOU DOWN and you realize that you are, indeed, rising..."

Yes! Exactly! They tried, but they could not take us down! We are here, aren't we?!

Together, we will help each other rise. We have been through hell and back, but we are now rising. We are WAKING UP and we are enlightened. Knolwedge is power. We are no longer denying our reality and hiding from life, but instead embracing it and enjoying life the way we deserve!

Thanks for sharing this, Spinning. You have such an amazing way with words! xoxo

...and Happy 1 year Anniversary of No Contact!!!!! That's huge! Please share more with us on how you made it one full year!!!

las730's picture

Love it!

Thank you! I look forward to your next blog :)

wannaletgo22's picture

Wow...amazing story. Thank

Wow...amazing story. Thank you.

nancyh's picture

Spinning, congratulations on

Spinning, congratulations on your brilliant and heartwarming first blog posting. "You've come a long way baby!" Your posts and comments (& now blog) have helped me immensely on my own journey & have lifted me up in moments of despair. I love you like a sister. Nan.

newtothis's picture

Spinning

I just wanted to say thank you for the beautiful and heart felt words. I cried for the first time in weeks, i felt stuck emotionally. Reading your brilliant words reminded me that i am worth fighting for, to continue going forward toward the life i deserve. Again i say THANK YOU.

HUGS,
Newtothis

Journey's picture

Absolutely beautifully

Absolutely beautifully written blog post Spinning! (I capitalize your name cause you are in no way small and weak!)

Thank you for sharing this and for being who you are - such a wise and caring woman!

Journey on...
xoxo

rosedewittbukater's picture

Spinning I celebrate with you!!

My God I feel like everything you wrote came straight out of me! I have thought every single thing you have written here, some many times over!! And what an eloquent and captivating writer you are.
One year plus one! This is so amazing and I am rejoicing with you!
Your words remind me of one of my favorite lines from a great movie, The Shawshank Redemption. There's only two things you can do. "GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING"
Thank God you rose and chose life. All the best, your sister Rose :)

Mary90210's picture

Wow - beautiful!

I come here to read and be reassured. Today - I am inspired.
Thank you, spinning!

darling.girl's picture

Simply beautiful. Simply

Simply beautiful. Simply true. I will show this to those who cannot understand what I went through. Finally, the words. Thank you.

Jelickuk's picture

Thank God for this post

Thank God for this post today. It is my wedding anniversary and I feel such despair and self hatred...but your post was so very true and reminded me of the moments and minutes and even hours of peace I know now.

Thank you

GeorgiaGirl's picture

Amazing!

spinning, I have read this 3 separate times since you posted it. Each time a different part has touched me. What a moving tribute to your 366 days of freedom!

You have been a such a soothing voice to me during this excruciating process. You have brought reason, sanity and reality to my world every time I reach out.

Thank you for being you, spinning (never again and an amazing contributor to this site)