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The OW Compliments of Sparrow
I wish i could take credit for this but Sparrow gets a Gold Star for this..
It comes up often so Now we dont need to search for it..
Thank You Sparrow !!
The OW
I felt a need to post this today............with all of the past, present posts regarding the topic of the OW.
Most seem to have an obsession with this woman. This onbession is getting in the way of your healing more so then the issue at hand. I just want to put this out there for you to read, think about, and if you have to, read again and again and again..........
THE OW IS NOT, I REPEAT IS NOT MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR NARCS LIFE. SHE IS NO DIFFERENT THEN WE ARE/WERE.......SHE IS NOT BEING TREATED DIFFERENTLY, SHE IS NOT FEELING DIFFERENTLY. THESE ARE ILLUSIONS THAT YOU ARE CREATING IN YOUR OWN HEADS AND IT IS INTEREFERING BIG TIME WITH YOUR HEALING.
This woman will find herself discarded as you/we did. She is riding the high, as we did, depending on what stage of the relationship they are in. Trust me when I tell you, she will be EXACTLY where we were/are and make no mistake about it..........she will be a lost, heart broken victim of this narcissist as we were/are.
PLEASE, PLEASE GET THIS WOMAN OUT OF YOUR HEAD........IT IS DOING YOU NO GOOD........SHE IS IRRELEVANT. A VICTIM AS WE WERE. THE PROBLEM AT HAND IS THE NARC, WHAT HE HAS DONE TO YOU AND HOW YOU ARE GOING TO HEAL FROM THIS VISCIOUS RAPE OF YOUR SOUL.
She, the OW is one of us, and we should never loss sight of this. Stop allowing her to be an obstacle!
Smiles always!
- Hunter's blog
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It's All About Him
Lisa E. Scott weaves information about destructive narcissistic males into stories from her personal life to help you see - "is he or isn't he a Narcissist"? A validating book on how to spot and avoid a Narcissist before you get hurt. With a forward by eminent narcissism expert, Dr. Sam Vaknin
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Comments
In my case, the OW became the
February 9, 2013 - 5:33pm — leslieisbackIn my case, the OW became the wife and I then became the OW, without even knowing. She knew about me, but I did not know about her until she called me. We talked for about a week. I then found this site and read and read. I sent her the books and emailed this web site. I told her, I did not want her husband and that I would not have been the OW knowingly. In my email I told to please read about Ns, she then will have the knowledge to stay or leave. I said, "You will be where I am now. I have told you, what no one told me. My conscience is clear."
I have no idea if she read anything or everything. I feel I have done my due diligence.
OW is not WOW
August 4, 2012 - 8:09am — evergreenThe OW in my case is his ex she was put through the ringer when she was with him. She remained in contact with him on and off during the 5 yrs of my relationship with him.Not sure what lies he told her during their contact sometimes she was unaware we were still together other times she definitely knew.
He went from trying to keep us apart to saying I don't care if the 2 of you are best friends and phone each other everyday.
When they first split up...she was devastated and he told me he was helping her get over him by supporting her WTH? RED FLAG! I thought it was cruel of him to keep in contact with her if he no longer loved her but knew that she loved him told him that would never let her properly heal! ...little did I know then that he never wanted her to heal he wanted her kept on the back burner for future "supply" His false empathy towards her was part of his agenda to keep her hooked. You just cant put normal reasoning on their actions because they are not normal they are disordered.
She knows what he is like and how he devalued her disrespected her and even says "hes probably fucked many more than us over the years hes been with us"
Still as soon as I was out of the relationship with him she hotfooted it straight back into his bed!
I e-mailed her about it and she denied being with him even asked if we were married yet?!
Of course she was just mocking me she always thought I was the reason for their break up....which is untrue .
OW
June 3, 2012 - 2:10pm — willow29I am the ow. He has almost destroyed me emotionally. For 2 yrs I have been idolized then d&d. The last 6 mos. I have helped him financially and been promised forever and a future. He and w separated 3 weeks ago(not because of me) I got one week of happy ever after and then he stood me up and began the silent treatment. She is back and he lied about that when I tried to talk to him and he was very cold to me after saying I was the love of his life, his soul mate, would never hurt me again. Now I'm getting the silent treatment and I'm the one who paid his cell phone bill and I'm the one he isn't calling.
So you're right the ow is treated no better and now I wonder if all the horrible things he said about his w are all true.
OW
May 7, 2012 - 1:34am — mustlovedogs1960This is exactly what I need to read! The N and his OW is beyond my control. Yes, I miss the high times but then I recall when he discarded and ignored me. I was under his spell but when I snapped out of it I was so much better. I feel badly that OW is riding that high because it is not real and will end when she least expects it. Will OW be strong enough to survive? Why should I care? Well I need to realize that we have all survived the N in our lives so this OW will find her way as well.
Be strong!
Truth
January 19, 2012 - 10:33am — dunzoWord. So needed to hear this.
The OW Compliments of Sparrow
November 20, 2011 - 11:50am — GravityI can say from personal experience.. that when I met up with OW.. she described a relationship that swept her off of her feet.. he was there for her through deaths in the family.. he catered to her every need ect.
But behind her back he was cheating on her compulsively, not just with one women.. but with many. And he wasn't just sleeping with all of these women.. he was taking them out on dates, telling them he cared for them etc.
Even when he got caught and was desperately trying to win her back claiming suicide.. he was pursuing me full speed ahead telling me that I was the only one he was with. I thought they had broken up because SHE cheated on him. In reality she found out he cheated on her and was giving him a trial run to prove himself. During that trial run he pursued me and MAAANY others. He was sitting beside her in a hospital bed, all the while sleeping with various women and swearing on his beloved dogs ashes that he wasn't. And trust me HE WAS. The entire year we were together he pursued her, taking her on lavish dates and the whole 9 yards. After a year of this, she decided maybe he had "changed" and she was ready to take him back. He then promptly decided he was no longer interested and was in an official relationship on facebook the next week. This clearly meant he had been pursuing ANOTHER girl besides the two of us. And she was one of many.
Even if the OW THINKS she is receiving better treatment, or even overtly might be getting better treatment to her face.. it is all based upon how he feels he needs to behave in order to secure her supply. If he knows he has to be overly nice, he will do that. If he thinks being a jerk will secure you're supply, he'll do that. And you can most certainly bet that no matter how he behaves outwardly, he is manipulating you all day and every day and lying straight to your face.
He feels no empathy, he doesn't respect himself, so why would he ever respect others? The type of pain inside of his body is immeasurable and he is too weak to understand why. He is insanely jealous of those like us, who are empathetic, loving, and see light in the world. They want to take that light from us.
He will try to take the light away from EVERY.WOMAN.HE.MEETS.
The OW was wonderful. So attractive, smart, funny, understanding, and outgoing. She said she would lie awake in bed crying wondering why she wasn't good enough. She was ALWAYS good enough.. just like we all are. It is him, in fact, that is not!
I read your post and have a
December 25, 2012 - 2:40pm — allthewisernowI read your post and have a couple of questions. How can you say that they have an immense amount of pain on the inside when they actually look happy. They are never found to be crying or depressed over us. Also, is it normal to mourn the narcissist even if you left two years ago?
Power of the written word
December 5, 2012 - 5:42pm — mi278Because of you & what you've written here -I feel like I will be able to fall asleep tonight. Thank you:)
How can the OW be one of us
November 1, 2011 - 11:28pm — 2healIf she has learned of his infidelity at least with 4 other woman while/during the course of her relationshit. She has been sucked in for 13 years begging for a committed relationship which has not yet happened. She now is informed he is a sociopath. What is your take on this ? How can she still hold on knowing all this ? Just curious..it is mind blowing that she continues to hold on to "nothing" as if it were "something". No woman likes to feel used and day in and day out he is with other women.Is it because she is a Narc also or that she is just not open to understanding the disorder or his pattern of abuse ? It's not like she doesn't know about his numerous affairs and she still continues to sleep with him ??? OMG..... Or maybe he is the best con artist, seducer, manipulator, liar that every existed. I have to say his act is AWARD Winning.
Hunter/Sparrow GREAT, GREAT POST THANK YOU !!!
On another note I am feeling better everyday....NC has helped tremendously !!! I guess I am nearing acceptance. I see he is going on with his life as if "I" never happened, why shouldn't I go on with mine.... This my friends.... is my new philosophy :)
Wishing you all well in your journey and recovery. It takes time but there is a light at the end of this horrible tunnel if you decide to WIN this game. WIN yourself back.
Love and hugs to all
Very Similar...
November 3, 2011 - 6:04pm — FINALLYFREE2BMEI've often wondered this myself because your description fits the "girlfriend" of the exN exactly. She's been "with him" about 13 years, they don't live together or are committed, she's learned of at least 3-4 infidelities (although there have been more) and won't ever leave him. WTH???
Here are my guesses:
1. He's a great liar (The exN once said, "if I'm caught I just deny! deny! deny!") Or if any girl warns her he just calls them crazy or jealous because they "want him". Ugh.
2. It could be a culture thing if she's not American. The ex N's "girlfriend" is a nurse from an Asian culture that tends to be subserviant to white males. (Sorry for the sterotype, but in my case it's applicable)
3. She's just as addicted and brainwashed as we were.
It could be a combo of all three. But whatever the reason at least we're NOT her! :)
Our similarities
June 15, 2012 - 3:24pm — MissScoutOne thing you said really applied to my situation.
The OW, his chosen, is Asian. I spoke with her and she didn't even fully comprehend the situation. I think the subservient comment is true. She did kick him out when I told her the entire year-long story. He had been lying to both of us. But she took him back a few days later. How can they look at each other in the eyes? It wasn't as if I were a one-night stand. He was trying to keep two relationships going and lying for an entire year.
She works, supplies him with a home (hers), sex, she is a better cook than I, and he knows she has put up with him for 5 years, something he probably figured out I could never handle.
So he went back to her and left me in the dust. This is after humiliating me into losing 50 lbs. (now 107), dying my hair, changing hair style. He said as soon as I did all that he would leave her for me. Well, he didn't. He was horrible to me. I later learned I developed Cognitive Dissonance during the relationship.
She can have him. She is probably his best chance of living a "normal" life.
MissScout
Needed that! I swear I was
November 1, 2011 - 1:01am — meik11Needed that! I swear I was just looking for the "other woman" online yesterday. I guess I just wanted to see if she was prettier or some how seemed better than me. After thinking about it and reading I realize it's not neccessarily about those things for the Narc, it's about whose weaker, whose easier to push over, who isn't giving him too much lip or resistence...
Thanks...
We are all the OW!! Hunter
October 31, 2011 - 9:11pm — HunterWe are all the OW!!
Hunter
Yep, yep.
January 19, 2012 - 10:34am — dunzoYep, yep, and yep.
Thank you thank you thank
October 31, 2011 - 8:55pm — drcrnpThank you thank you thank you. I need this reminder so badly. If obsession with the OW could be converted to electric wattage, I would be able to light up every power-outaged house on the East Coast, and it is such a waste!
When this began to unravel, I
October 31, 2011 - 8:53pm — AmieeWhen this began to unravel, I blamed them. They had no idea, just like I didnt know about his wife (whom he said he divorced and the ones before me). He will not be a good partner for them either and they may eventually end up here. They aren't the reason we aren't together, he is!
I am sorry for them, wish for their safety, they would never listen if they were warned, I wouldn't have. Should'a listened to my gut.
wow
October 31, 2011 - 4:10pm — a65703I really REALLY needed this.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Nice one, Hunter!
October 31, 2011 - 3:35pm — TigerlilyCouldn`t agree more!
xoxo Tigerlily
OW Perspective
October 31, 2011 - 1:34pm — wannaletgo22Thanks for this post.
I was an OW and was deeply hurt by the N guy in my life...but b/c I was the OW, sometimes I feel like there is no place for me, like I don't have a right to express my pain and in certain ways, like the abuse I suffered at the hands of my N continues b/c I'm still considered second-rate or second-class even though I'm no longer involved with him.
I just wanted to make a couple of points. I didn't know I was an OW until I was already in too deep. I was so manipulated and my mind so warped that I actually accepted a situation that I NEVER EVER would never touch with a ten foot pole in my right mind. Yes, I accept responsibility for my actions and feel guilty about the pain it may have caused his girlfriend...but I was a victim too.
And just like the N's significant other/spouse may spend a lot of time thinking about the OW, I spent tons of time thinking about my N's girlfriend...why he committed to her and not me...why he seemed to protect her and not me, etc. So, I think that definitely cuts both ways. And the bottom line, as you said in your post, is that it's not about the girlfriend, the wife, the OW- we're all the same, we are all victims- it's about the N. He is responsible for it all, and that's what we need to realize.
Thanks!
Yes, we all were the OW or OM
October 31, 2011 - 2:35pm — darling.girlYes, we all were the OW or OM during the seduction phase, right? We either didn't know they were involved with someone else or, if we did know there was someone else, we thought we were the one that they really loved. I remember the power of the narc's web of enchantment. It took only 2 weeks before I was convinced I was his soul mate, the love of his life, the only woman he had EVER loved, that he was going to marry me, that I was going to have an amazing life style.
Like you, I am hesitant to seek comfort for my ordeal because I knew he was married when he came after me. How many people understand the influence narcs have to tempt one into doing things one would not otherwise consider doing. Having an affair goes against my morals, but I did it when I thought I was going to get a fairy tale relationship.
I guess I'm not as alone as I thought
November 7, 2011 - 8:40pm — AtlastYes, it's amazing how you can so unexpectedly lower your standards when someone with their "power" does their best to disillusion you.
I'm being as strong as I can but that doesn't lessen the pain I feel when I realize what a mistake I made.
same here
November 3, 2011 - 12:40pm — NarcJunkieI am not proud of what I did - but I still consider myself a Narc victim. He used and betrayed me and left me to pick up the pieces.
He was in a long-term relationship and trying to get out, but too much of a coward to do so. We were friends and so I listened to his problems and offered advice. And I TRUSTED him.
When the mutual attraction became stronger, I was determined to keep the boundaries, and I did it, it took all my strength. But he came on with full force, convinced me that no woman had ever affected him like I had, and so when I was sure that he really loved me and wanted to be with me, I caved in.
He then dumped his gf knowing that he had me secured, strung me along for about 2 months while looking for more exiting new sources, slept with someone else and when I confronted him, simply said: "What do you want? We've been together for 6 months...we're just too different."
Up until that moment I had felt guilty for getting involved with him, but I had always justified it in my mind because it felt like the big love and the real deal and I sincerely thought that his ex gf was better off free because they had grown apart and I was just such a better match for him blablabla...
But when I realized that he had just USED me, that I had just been a crutch, a tool to break free from his unwanted relationship... I felt like... a whore... like a piece of toilet paper.. so ashamed.. and like such an idiot.
I don't feel that guilty anymore now because his ex really IS better off without him - she is dating someone new and probably having the time of her life after more than 10 yrs with the Narc.
Yes, it's just one of many
October 31, 2011 - 7:58pm — wannaletgo22Yes, it's just one of many ways we compromise ourselves and our morals for them- which makes it all the more painful when we realize it was all for nothing...just a part of their little game.
This is true for the OM as
October 31, 2011 - 1:11pm — highlanderThis is true for the OM as well, from a guys perspective. Our male egos can be such a pain in the ass. The thought of another man sticking his johnson into our woman is abhorrent at best, and that we can be so easily replaced and they are now happy with the love of their lives, totally destroys our egos. It keeps them in our thoughts, and is negative to the extreme.
They were PD before we met them, we didn't cause them to become PD, and it didn't end when we were D&D. The next poor sap will find himself/herself in the same position as we were, eventually. If the OM/OW caused the D&D, then good on them, they deserve what's coming to them as karma's a bitch. If not, then they are just another victim.
My Ex blinked, and I know that she's not the happy girl she pretends to be, so that ego issue has somewhat lessened for me, and I realize that it's not her that I miss but it's her being happy that she dumped me. It's my ego that was attacked, and I have fought back, stayed NC and have seen that what she was sending my way is complete sick, PD bullshit.
I feel the black cloud lifting and am getting back to my old, light hearted self again. I do still miss all the things that we had, but I now see her as pathetic, and actually feel sorry for her, and don't feel sorry for myself anymore. It's very clear now that she can never be happy. I know feel that she made her own bed, and it's becoming less and less comfortable for her. My ego is rapidly recovering and I know, for sure, that as hard as it was, she gave me a great gift of leaving.
B
good insightful post
October 31, 2011 - 4:17pm — a65703I am happy to read this post. It gives me hope. I haven't heard or read too many tales of Narcissism from male victims but it's all one in the same.
All I can say is their new "victims" male or female, are riding high with the N's idealization, I saw oh for about 3 months and then the "fun" begins. The N's Idealization and D&D cycles DISGUST me.
My thoughts, positive energy and prayers are with you!!
And you are so right, Karma is a bitch!!
I don't hate the new one (in
June 13, 2012 - 11:36pm — bluegirlI don't hate the new one (in my case I sincerely believe it is an OM not and OW). They are going to go through the same hell, sooner or later. I don't particularly want to see them together, or know anything about a new relationship, but I don't think I could ever hate the new person.
I felt sorry for the OW and her teenage son.
August 4, 2012 - 9:00am — Hadenough13Still do somedays. I reached out in the beginning. I emailed her because she wanted answers as he started giving her the silent treatment. Told her that we need to set higher standards. Explain only a few of the horrible things he had done to my son and his own two girls. Due to his brain washing of our two girls I had to cut all ties.
I had kicked him out of our home. I told him straight up. Go live with her as I am not taking your crap anymore. She took him in then eventually started to plead with me to give him access to the girls. This lead me to my closure email that I sent her a copy of.
Myself and the kids are at peace but I know the he'll has only begun for her. I even had to have the police pay him a visit because he would not sto harassing me. And still she believes it is all his exs that has made him the way he is.
My only hope for her is she see the light before he knocks her up and walks away when the violence starts.