No Contact - The Ultimate Revenge by Nemesis

Lisa E. Scott's picture

Due to a busy work and teaching schedule, I have not been able to write blogs on hot topics being discussed in our forum lately. I apologize and hope to have more time to do this soon, but in the meantime, I'd like to share this amazing post written by Nemesis on the topic of revenge.

I particularly like this because I often see the topic of revenge come up here. I do not advocate revenge in any way, shape or form as I believe the best form of revenge is to live a happy life and two wrongs never make a right.

Additionally, while there are some Narcissists who border on the edge of Psychopathy, there are plenty of Narcissists who simply can't help themselves and do not hurt us with intent.

Nonetheless, this topic of revenge comes up all the time and is frequently asked. Here are some great points by Nemesis on how "No Contact" is the best form of revenge:

"No Contact - The Ultimate Revenge"

In following “Surviving The Narcissist - The Path Forward” I decided that the best way of following “Step 2 – Get It Out” was to write down my thoughts and share them. There are two very important subjects that come up frequently on the forum: “No Contact” and “Revenge”. No contact is primarily something that we do to protect ourselves from any further abuse and, as Lisa says, to “restore our sanity and regain control of our lives”. It is an essential step but also a very difficult step which many of us struggle with.

I think one of the reasons why “no contact” is such a challenge for us is that it seems to directly conflict with our desire for revenge on the one who has hurt us. Our motivation to see that justice is served causes us to feel an intense urge to “take action”, but this results in inner turmoil when trying to achieve “no contact” at the same time. Our thoughts and emotions are going haywire. Having given the matter a lot of thought I decided that, for me, the best solution is to combine these two forces together. No contact will also be my revenge.

In order to fully appreciate this strategy it’s a good idea to go back to basics and remind ourselves how the narcissist functions.

The narcissist spends his life running away from the painful truth about himself. His whole life is a confabulation. Deep down inside himself the narcissist IS tormented. He represses his misery within his sub-conscious in order to survive (by avoiding painful thoughts that would lead him to depression & self-destruction). This is the reason why he must live in a fantasy world and why it is vital to him to force others to entertain this self-created fabrication that he thinks of as his life. It is also the reason that he depends on others.

Narcissistic supply is the drug that takes away his pain. It is because the narcissist needs other people to consistently maintain their fantasy view of themselves that they are constantly trying to mould the behavior of others to serve that purpose. They will use all forms of manipulation, positive (e.g. flattery) and/or negative (e.g. intimidation), to get what they need out of us at any given moment. In fact, it is a good idea to perceive every interaction that a narcissist initiates as manipulation in some form or another.

When you first begin to put "no contact" into force, the narcissist will often try to manipulate you to get you to contact him. Remember, if you do so it will make him feel powerful. Much better to ignore him and your indifference will make him feel weak!!!

This explains why so many of them attempt to re-establish contact once they realise that are being ignored. By sticking to “No Contact” you are refusing to be manipulated by him, denying his power over you and are therefore destroying his fantasy and forcing him to see himself as he really is.

It also helps us understand the reason behind some of their erratic behavior when they seem almost desperate to get us “back on board”. The reason for this is simple. Your indifference is making him panic because he has tried using the techniques that usually work for him but they are not working this time and this will be making him feel very insecure indeed.

If you persist with "no contact" he is likely to respond to this by using all of the weapons in his arsenal in an attempt to force you to yield. He may use intimidation. He may try to provoke you with nasty remarks that he thinks you will not be able to resist responding to. He may try flattery, telling you how no one else compares to you or perhaps he will even apologise (both completely insincere of course).

Beware, his last resort – PITY. This manipulation technique often gets us even when we are feeling at our strongest. I know how hard it is to ignore someone who appears to be crying out for help. To a normal person with compassion (like us) it feels so unnatural and cruel to ignore someone who appears to be in pain, especially if it is indicated that their pain is as a result of our behaviour. It goes against everything that we have been taught about being a good person.

REMEMBER: The narcissist is fully aware of this and that is why "pity" is such a powerful weapon for him to use against us as it so often delivers the result he wants. But ladies you must stand firm, because once he realises that he cannot manipulate you anymore he is likely to give up and leave you alone. Narcissists avoid people who force them to see the truth. This is the antithesis of narcissistic supply and is to be greatly feared.

Whenever we feel like we might be about to break our rule of no contact rule we must remind ourselves of the following. Narcissists spend their time running away from the truth about themselves, which is that they are worthless, horrible people. They try to push our buttons in order to force us to behave in ways that make them feel special, admired, adored or feared but ultimately, powerful. (In other words, they manipulate others in order to obtain narcisstic supply).

If you contact him then you will be letting him "push your buttons". Do not respond to him and you will be pushing HIS buttons by making him see that actually, the opposite is true. That he is, in fact, irrelevant, inferior, dispensable, needy and ultimately, feeble.

Narcissists treat life like a competition where their aim is to "beat" others. But by ignoring him you will have beaten him!!!

No contact truly is the best revenge.

Remember, your silence speaks volumes!

Comments

strivingforhealing's picture

this statement from your above post:

there are plenty of Narcissists who simply can't help themselves and do not hurt us with intent.

is this really true???? it really hit hard. I don't believe it...It seems to excuse his behavior because he "couldn't help himself". I wonder if you actually did not mean to put a "Not" before "hurt" in there??

The more I read about NPD and the more I look back on my relationship- I think he was very calculated. I think he knew exactly what pain he was inflicting, and did it anyways.

This statement really did not make sense to me. I think most women on here would beg to differ- that these poor ex's couldn't help themselves.

PLEASE CLARIFY! thank you

Used's picture

hi, i think you will find nemisis wrote this, i believe lisa only posted it for her..

Nemesis's picture

Hi there,

I did write the article that Lisa posted for me but not the sentence quoted here by strivingforhealing. :)

Used's picture

MY APOLOGIES TO YOU...I THOUGHT YOU WROTE IT ALL...SORRY.

Nemesis's picture

No worries.

:)

Nemesis's picture

Hi strivingforhealing,

I can see the point that you are making and I agree with you completely that people with NPD can be very calculating indeed. Your ex caused you pain and he had absolutely no right whatsoever to do that to you.

If I can just say this to reassure you; I think that when Lisa wrote that statement she probably wanted to show how strongly she feels that no one should take any actual revenge on the narcissist, other than to ignore them, be happy and live life to the full.

Hope this helps.

xxx

Goldie's picture

There is not a quick easy answer to your question. There is so much material on this one subject. I could write a book. Let me try to simplify:

A basic narc with NO additonal disorders, such as: addiction, psychopathy, childhood abuse, a physical abuser, other PD's, is not necessarily trying to abuse you, they just do because they are so incredibly self centered and absorbed. They lack empathy and feelings aside from rage and fear and their abuse is a biproduct of their disorder. Basically they don't think about you or care about you because it is: All About Them.

Case in point: I had a friend who was a diagnoised Narcissist by several different doctors. He never tried to willfully hurt anyone. He would have been shocked if you suggested that he did these things on purpose. I know this to be true. He did them because he was always only thinking about his wants, his needs, his slights, his inguries, ect.. You and your needs seldom if ever even entered his mind. How his behavior affected you was of no interest or thought to him, therefore, he is not doing it on purpose, it is part of his disorder. If you were to cheat on you lie to you or neglect you, it is not because he is trying to hurt you or get you back, it is because he is thinking about what he wants and you are not a part of the equation. He may experience narc injury and pout, withdraw, tell you to leave, not because he is trying to hurt you, more because you hurt him and he does not want to be bothered with you anymore because clearly you are no longer making it all about him and this makes him very angry. This is a difficult concept for those who have feeling for others, yet it is true. They don't know how to care about you, it does not exist in their psyche. When you think they are caring about you it is only an act because they are trying to keep you for supply and they realize that they have to throw you the occasional bone to keep you on board.

This is a type of narcissist who does not seek out revenge as Lisa said, there are plenty like this, she did not say all narcissists are like this. My son's father is also like this, he does little for anyone where there is not going to be a direct payoff for him, yet he does not bother to seek revenge against anyone because he is so self absorbed, he wouldn't even want to waste his time, he would be on to new supply and you would be completely out of his mind. I asked him one time why he does not visit his son and he said because he does not think about him, and he meant it, he was not lying. Out of sight out of mind, no time for revenge.

Then you have the narcs who may or may not have other issue's, who seek revenge and intentionally hurt you on purpose and enjoy every minute of it.

Psychology is not and will never be an exact science and as much as we want exact answers they get clouded with a PD. Even the professionals opinions may differ on some points and often PD's have conned professionals.

I once posted on here that narcs love you as best as they can and a couple of people said, I was being too easy on them. I still stick behind that statement. If someone has a personality disorder which includes, lack of empathy, an inability to experience intimacy, then how are they going to love you anymore than they do? It would be impossible. This is exactly why we recommend NC because they can't love you and they don't change.

I have worked with narcs as well as victims of narcs and I have asked many narcs why they were so awful to their wives, gf's and they either say because I did not care or I never even gave it any thought and then of course you get the ones who say they did it to pay them back, hurt them, make them suffer. It's a mixed bag. All narcs are not the same and they do not all come from a motivation of revenge.

God bless,
Goldie

DixieGirl's picture

Confucius quote "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” When I ended my relationship with ex-Narc last year - he started up an immediate relationship with another woman. We had been together 3 yrs. But this man has a history of doing this - leaving one woman for another. Despite that - I was VERY angry - how dare he be able to go on and live a happy life when I was so in much pain. Right before our breakup I began to learn about psychopaths and Narc's and was only in the beginning stages of understanding what he was quite capable of doing - and HOW I could and would react to his insanity. But I truly had NO IDEA until it all came to end of how crazy I could act in reaction to his insanity. His insanity was driving me crazy - but I "let him". I wrote him a letter telling him he was the psychopath next door and that he had better warn his "new girlfriend" of how violent he could be and perverted because I was going to find her and let her know. And I did - I spent $600 on a private detective to have them followed and then I put a letter with all the information I had "on him" and put it on her front door. I watched until she retrieved it. So I know she had it. I was a crazy woman!!! Because you know why - she did NOTHING! She stayed with him. However, they are NOT together now. I am not sure why they are not together now because now I've learned how much all of this HURT ME. I spent countless hours of my time and money FOCUSING my life on him. I literally was digging my own grave as well as his. My life began to spiral out of control, all I could do was think of him, and him and her together. All of this behavior was a reaction to his insanity. I learned little by little with good therapy and through educationzl sites like this that that he probably loved every minute of this - that I played RIGHT INTO his game. What a fool I was. But I stopped doing it. Then what happened was all the feelings of loss/grief "came up". I started dealing with the AFTERMATH of this relationship. I have come to realize that a lot of REVENGE behavior is was a way that I was using to avoid FEELING the loss and dealing with aftermath of this relationships. What I have learned is that we the victims - have a lot to learn about ourselves and we need to spend time looking at ourselves instead of wasting our valuable time and resources seeking revenge. It is very true that when we embark on a journey of revenge, we dig two graves. Today I am not digging a grave. Today I am building a new life - the best revenge is to live a successful life for yourself and no one else.

Nemesis's picture

"The best revenge is to live a successful life for yourself and no one else."

So true DixieGirl - I couldn't agree with you more.

xxx

HeatherWho's picture

I learned quickly why the others "destroyed his things", "went crazy" (temporarily I hope), I wanted to so badly, but remained better than that.

I had an A-HA moment while reading your post! He said, early on, "the best revenge is happiness". Now I understand! They don't want us to be happy, misery loves company. So in a sense, like everything he did right in front of my face that I didn't want to believe any human being could do, he was telling me what hurts him the most. I became a totally different person! Extremely unhappy. He didn't like that either. :)

Revenge is not what it's about. If you think that way, you'll think everything they are doing is towards you. It's exactly about what you say: "building a new life for YOU"! Learn from this experience and be wary, but don't die.

It takes a ton of energy to be angry! I lost a lot of weight, despite being pregnant. That's all I can think did it-stress. My toddler is healthy and beautiful-Thank You God!

Best Wishes!

Sparkles422's picture

but I am doing it. X spouse has emailed, left vm and text me about a silly electric bill that I owe half of. He has already gotten quite a bit of money from me at closing and one bill especially should not have been included. But I paid them, knowing if I didn't I would be stuck without resources because he would be willing to have the house sale proceeds in escrow for 30 days then court.

I have blocked from my email, both of his user names. I cannot block him from my cell but I have caller id so I don't pick up.

This is not easy. I would love to hear that he loves me more than his new victim but I understand in my heart that this relationship almost destroyed me.

His latest victim is a woman of 64 years and is currently married for 45 years. My X narcissist is 65 and aging and very fearful. He latched onto this poor woman and she is enthralled like I was.

No contact is the way to go. Now to work on regaining the weight I lost and starting me new life, new career and loving myself back to health.

Susan32's picture

What got the ex-Psych prof was that I didn't react in anger or shock when he wasn't grateful for a gift I gave him (his colleagues were grateful, however). He wanted to see me weeping, pleading, wondering aloud why he didn't like it. Instead, I shrugged&rolled my eyes in contempt (as well as make a snarky remark about his ingratitude)

When they can no longer wow you... when they can no longer drive you to tears or anger... they are POWERLESS.

Sparkles422's picture

I initiated and divorced my Narc last month after 9 years. Sold the house last month and have started a new career. All scary stuff.

I was in contact with the narc up until 12 days ago and we were texting back and forth. I did not answer his last text when he told me that I sound happy in my new place. This has been extremely difficult because I still am addicted to him. He continued to leave vm, texts, and email about the electric bill I still owe. I don't respond. And unfortunately, there may be further contact when the insurance premiums are mailed back. I had requested in writing to the ins companies separate checks.

I dreamt last night that I was unloveable and so was my little dog. I didn't know that is how I feel. I feel worthless and unattractive at times and it is hard to realize that this is how I have been left.

The narc had found a replacement for me before and I can tell when it began because of the looks I caught on his face. Actual dislike. He has found someone that lives far away and is currently married for 45 years, is 64 yrs old and from his high school days. They are 65 yrs old.

This is not easy.

tresor2's picture

Maybe my experience was with an oddball, non-classic N but, when I did the NC thing, he would simply obtain supply from the 2 or 3 other sources he had going at the same time. He'd try contact a few times but moved on quickly when he realized I was ignoring him. He wasn't about to "lower" himself by chasing me because he was "Mr. Big." I was disposable and he was King.

Where I blew it was by breaking my own NC. After two or three months, the lonely, tired thing hit and I kept telling myself he'd be different this time, LOL. I paid dearly for going back, each time. He became more and more sadistic and abusive as the cycle repeated itself.

In hindsight, I was creating my own pain by going back to the source for resolution...he was simply enjoying the opportunity to abuse. It's all so sick and disgusting.

Nemesis's picture

Hi tresor2,

I think a lot depends on whether they have got another supply source lined up ready to take your place. If they have (like in your case where you reckon he had 2 or 3) then they probably won't keep pursuing you at that time. However, they may well contact you again weeks, or even months, later if they find that those sources have gone or just aren't functioning effectively for them any more. It's almost like we're on a league table and our position can change depending on the circumstances.

I know this sounds horrible, but it really sums up exactly how much they use other people. The way their minds work is as cold and clinical as that and nothing like the way our minds work. It also shows that, whether or not they decide to hoover you at a given moment is no reflection at all on your true worth and everything to do with what's going on with them - it really is all about him.

If they suddenly get in touch again weeks later they are purely thinking of how they can get their needs catered for at that moment in time. Like an addict in search of a fix they are, at best, not giving a second thought to how their one-off phone call might upset & confuse you or cause a set-back to your recovery and, at worst, enjoying the fact that they have confused and upset you and revelling in the feeling of power that this gives them.

I totally agree with what you said about them becoming more sadistic and abusive over time. They gradually wear us down more and more. The further down we go and the more exhausted and depressed we become the more they stick the boot in us. I think we get worn down because the longer the abuse cycle continues, the stronger our addiction and our dependence on the narc becomes and consequently, the worse our withdrawl symptoms, and our fear of potential withdrawl symptoms, if they abandon (or threaten to abandon) the relationship.

I think you've raised an excellent point at the end of your post too:

" I was creating my own pain by going back to the source for resolution...he was simply enjoying the opportunity to abuse"

In order to eliminate this addiction and begin to recover, we must clearly see that the narcissist is the CAUSE of our pain, NOT the soloution.

Whilst putting no contact into force can give us a sense of revenge because we are showing them how dispensable they are to us, primarily we do it to protect our own well-being, to facilitate our recovery and ultimately, to remove all traces of the narc from our lives for good. NC is all about us taking back our power, having control over our own lives, and feeling stronger and better about ourselves.

tresor2's picture

Hi Nemisis,
Just stumbled upon your reply to my post of one month ago.

I really appreciate your feedback and taking the time to respond to my thoughts. NC for any meaningful length of time has been impossible for me up until the last year or so. I've been a chronic relapser and it's been very hard to keep my mouth shut after his D & D's and abuse. My ego, low self worth and competitiveness cause big problems. I definately felt as if I were playing in a league, LOL.

During the last year, the time between contact has slowly grown and the last time I didn't respond, he moved in a OW. As a result, I have NC for four months. I know it's a gift because I wasn't able to do it until he told me he's living with someone. That did it for me.

I'm slowly beginning to feel like I'm getting my power back...I move in and out of sanity...I was a serious Stockholm Syndrome case. The intrusive thoughts come and go. I've read it can take at least two years or more to get healthy but, I don't have that kind of time. Life is so short and I hate the fact that this worm has twisted his way into my psyche.

I don't think mine will be back because I unloaded on him when he told me about OW. Everything I stored for the last 8 years came out and it felt GOOD to get it out. I'm tired of being "nice" and "understanding" and "patient and reactive."

Thank you again for the awesome posts and feedback. They've been really helpful. Keep doing what you're doing...Hugs.

It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

I couldn't have said it better:

It also shows that, whether or not they decide to hoover you at a given moment is no reflection at all on your true worth and everything to do with what's going on with them - it really is all about him.

If they suddenly get in touch again weeks later they are purely thinking of how they can get their needs catered for at that moment in time. Like an addict in search of a fix they are, at best, not giving a second thought to how their one-off phone call might upset & confuse you or cause a set-back to your recovery and, at worst, enjoying the fact that they have confused and upset you and revelling in the feeling of power that this gives them.

.....
Yep. It's fucked up. Mine has Tried to re-activate me several times. I'm glad she was so terribly cruel. She really oversot the mark on what to do to keep me coming back. I'm lucky that I haven't gotten sucked back in. A lot of that has to do with heeding he warnings like yours. Thanks for helping me avoid more pain. The first batch nearly killed me.

Jean's picture

I wonder about how this works. It does seem like the abuse worsens. With my N, I am not going to get any closer to him because it's a workplace relationship. I think what triggered his nastiness was actually a kind of rageful "get away from me" along with a narcissistic injury and his paranoia that I was going to cause him to get into trouble (he flirted heavily - seductively, in fact - with me, then went behind my back to accuse me of sexually harassing HIM).

The N comes by my cubicle every now and then to chat. That's the perfect level of interaction for him (and for both of us) and because it's work, there'll never be any togetherness outside of work. The problem is, I also go over to his cubicle just to pass 10 or 15 minutes. NC is not possible because we have to interact - at least occasionally - in the office.

But I do wonder if he'll try some even nastier ploy should I make a misstep (what kind, I cannot predict, since he's NUTS). His big thing is publicly humiliating people who he believes should be punished & he's very good at it. He's very good at using "the authorities" to legitimize his position while punishing the "bad" person who has dared to cross him.

I can only imagine what he was taught as a child about shame.

It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "the problem is I also go over to his cubicle.". I understand the challenges at work. I tried to establish some sort of communication to normalize our work interactions/kinda deflate the power of the experience. After 6 months and much experience I have concluded tht the less I see her the better I feel. I can work with her. When I pass her I smile and greet her as I would any other coworker. But if I see her out of the corner of my eye, I pretend I don't. I still cry ever goddamned day because of the cruelty and deception and what really does feel like a "soul rape.". But you'd never know it. I'm polite and removed. I encourage you to stop dropping by his desk. It's super hard, but I think you'll find it best for you in the long run.

KittyRising's picture

My N threatened to sue me for "damages" which occurred when he tried to fight a restraining order. (He has prior felonies but the case was civil. He used the fact he had prior felonies as a means to control me during the relationship and I only found out when breaking free that his situation was not as precarious as he let on.) I ACTUALLY allowed him to connect with me again AFTER all this crap thinking he was serious about change.

Now that I am NC with him (I have been reading the crap he is texting and e-mailing me) he has reopened the threats. He also has been transferring all the blame for his abuse towards me calling me abusive and "mental". He suggested he might "warn my family" and "future men" about my "abusive nature".

He paints a picture for himself that is completely different from his true nature. He lies to himself and will offer up his skewed view of himself to whomever he can spoon feed. I realize now he also lied to me about being serious about change. Now that I am NC with him he said he has no intent to change whatsoever because it was me that caused any trouble in our relationship. HE has NEVER been abused the way I abused "him". He also complained about me "making" him read this book about abuse (Why Does He Do That - Lundy Bancroft) when I am the one that needed it. He has used his friends, family, attorney and Probation Officer to legitimate himself.

The one thing you have now? You are free from his abuse. Sorry you have to see him at the office. Awful.

We remind them that they are not human and for that we are everything within their natures they attempt to hide from the world.

Cheers.

Kitty

KittyRising's picture

They don't forgive even though they say they do and if you give them the opportunity? They will apply more mind control, more sadistic rage, more perverse behaviors and yes. We open the door to the dog coming in to piss on our furniture and shit on our carpet.

I locked it and am getting a steam cleaner in next week.

Hate opening that door to only regret it again. NC!

Kitty

Hereforme's picture

..." you are refusing to be manipulated by him, denying his power over you and are therefore destroying his fantasy and forcing him to see himself as he really is."

Love it! That is enough for me here to enable me to have NO desire to ever see or speak to him again! Thanks for this!

Footpath's picture

..."destroying his fantasy and FORCING HIM to see himself as he really is."

NC = punishment for them? maybe. NC is for me and my well being. As for revenge - we don't need to do anything. Nothing. There is no punishment worse than the consequences they suffer from their sinful cruelty. We unite and they self-destruct.

aleisch's picture

I can agree to the NC to a certain extent. Establishing and maintaining strong boundaries with my N has been the best strategy for me.

My N has tried many times to reestablish an intimate bond. He prods and pushes and when he realizes that he's not going to make any headway, he becomes nasty and mean. He does any and everything to provoke a reaction from me. Upsetting me was his victory. Everything became clear when I finally recognized this cycle. When I began making a conscious choice to not respond to past entrenched relationship dynamics, it diminished his power greatly.

I cannot have absolutely NC since I have two young children. The only connection I care to keep with him is through effective and positive co-parenting. (Honestly, it's never going to happen but I can be a optimistic realist, right? Or is that a realistic optimist?)

Thriving and succeeding while he looks on from the sidelines is the best thing that I can do from a revenge standpoint.

Letting go of the bitterness and hurt and choosing to live fearlessly has made it possible for me to move forward.

Anabelle's picture

I would like to ask something about NC.

He dumped me. And he never really called again, but he wanted to be friends... (joke)
So after a few sms I called no contact, saying:

Your sorry is inappropriate,especially knowing the circumstances. You lied and deceived me from day one without any respect. I wish I would have left this craziness much earlier, what put me in an impossible situation. Please dont ever contact me again. I will do the same."

He has got a new one and he hasn't contacted me since (2 months) , but stalking through friends.
So in this case I am not sure it had any impact on him. What do you think? I don't care who is the winner- it's clear that long term I am. Thank you!

aleisch's picture

Anabelle,

I am no expert but there has been an impact. He make not be contacting you directly but he remains along the edges, covertly keeping up with what's happening with you. The other woman is a lame attempt at showing you that he's "done better" and moved onto greener pastures. If that new relationship lasts, it is no concern of yours. I am thinking that he hopes you would acknowledge it or him. Any sort of response on your part will mean to him that you still "care" and that he has a chance with you again. I think that being the winner in any sort of power struggle is very important to a narcissist. It only reinforces their (deluded) sense of self-importance, especially for the pathological ones.

Just my two cents. :-)

Anabelle's picture

Thank you. Honestly I hate him so much... I know it was about winning or loosing. I kicked him out a day before the break up he begged me not to break up. I was too tired to fight, so I just gave back his key and sad kind of ok.. the next day, he got this girl, who he had on his list for a long time (she was really fighting to get him...) He went the next day in relationship with her on FB :) I have not contacted him on that. Acknowledging what? Sorry I didn't really understand that part... he has ZERO chance. Not in my next 777777 second life...

under his thumb's picture

i am in the same boat and curious as to how it is going for you...
his constant comment is "we need to communicate" but i am so pissed and confrontational it does no good! and the fact that he doesn't hear the answers he is looking for makes him angry. right now i am getting the cold shoulder! so mature!

Ladydb123's picture

Every word Lisa rings so true. Just recently my Narc friend decided that he wanted to reestablish our friendship. He had discarded his last OW and now is currently home alone because his son left in August for college. He is missing his son so much and he can't control him now that he is 18 and there nothing he can do about it what he (son) is doing at college 3 hours away.

So what does he do, sit outside my home calling and pleading for me to answer the phone or please call. He sounded so pitifull when I hear his message. He even put 5$ in my mailbox that I helped him with. Thank God I was asleep. I missed him at one weekend event on Sunday, I left before he arrived but he caught up with me at a house card party on Monday. He gave me a big hug but I ignored him for the next 2hours. He was watching me because I have lost 10 lbs doing "Zumba". When I was in his sight I just stared at him.

He knows, I have seen the mask slip off and I believe it bothers him that I am not coming back. I care about this man but I don't need anymore of his sick drama in my life. I am pretty sure that he is seducing some other woman into his world, that he can manipulate and control. He is completely in fear of being very sick, disabled and dying alone.

I don't want revenge I just want to "Live and Let Live". I am almost at indifference and it hurts because that's not "Who I Am".

Blessings to All

Jannie In the Sun's picture

I could swear you were talking about my exN and you were his latest D & D. (I am sure you are not).

Well, it is good to hear that you are stronger even if still hurting. It took a long time for me to get to a place of in difference. Actually, I'm not there yet - I'm angry! But I feel so much better and in charge of my life.

That 'mask' awareness is great stuff. Once I called my Narc out for the abusive little man he is, he ran like Georgie Porgie and didn't look back.

Zumba is good for the soul! Way to go! Stay strong!

KeshaN's picture

My Narc has tried all of these techniques on me. Every time I tried to break it off with him and not talk to him he'd try sending me sweet text messages or really nasty a and mean ones. I would almost never respond to the sweet messages it was the mean ones that were hard not respond to.

When we separated and he had done something horrible, my need for revenge would consume me. I also wanted so badly for him to reap what he sowed and to see if he was truly sorry. He would send me fake text messages-these are messages that seem to have been sent to me by accident and seemed to be meant for someone else. I know this messages were not sent by accident because they were always about me and i only received them when we were separated. Also, when separated i would start getting restricted calls a lot.

He would use the kids all of the time to see me or other call me. He is a sucky dad. When we are apart he never does anything for his kids. He's tried all sort of things to get a response.

i am now newly separated from him and in this week alone i have received restricted calls, text messages from some weird number asking me questions, chain letters from his phone(when we are together i never get chain letters from him) and he has contacted my mother.

I used to be flattered by all of his attempts to contact me. I thought he must really love me to be doing so much just to talk to me but now I know this is not the case. Its all about that response and supply...it is all about him!

lela76's picture

my ex is a narc and a psychopath. ive known him most my life and he always seemed to pop up when i was going thru a crisis the recent being my other ex before him. long story short he promised me the moon marriage he said he loved me always did wanted me to move in with him he would take care of me. i live on the west coast he on the east. he paid my ticket to visit him for a month and i had the best time of my life. he told me he wanted to be with me have kids we talked about our home and our kids meeting eachother mine is 12 his is 5. anyways i gave up everything my house job my daughter stayed behind until i got settled to send for her. when i moved i was there for 2 weeks when he broke up with me. mind you for a week of that i caught bronchitis. he told me that i wasnt listening to him and that i was too emotional. our roomate asked him why he dumped me so fast that he didnt even give me a chance to adjust to the time change he said that i didnt listen and i was too needy. and when she said that i gave up everything for him his response was ... so what thats her fault. she told him that he was an asshole and she said he smirked and said ya i know. he stopped coming home at night leaving me alone saying that he had moves to make. im not stupid i knew there was another girl. he would tell me that i didnt have a right to question his whereabouts and that he said he never wanted to ever be in a relationship again that i was it but he would still try to control me like we were still together. then a week later we had to move and he told me i should go back to the west coast cause i was stressing him out too much which was funny because i was hardly talking to him. then when we moved he moved in another chick in his room, by then my roomate and i started comparing notes on things and realized that he was lying and lying to me about anything and everything. i caught him in alot of lies one of them was i hadnt heard from him for a couple of weeks before i moved out there with him. he told me his job sent him to romania. his job requires him to travel but not out of the states. he was on a job by the canadian boarder and i had mentioned to him that we should go to canada . he said that sounded good but he doesnt have a passport and he needed to get one. when i talked to my roomate and told her about him going to romania she told me he has never been out of the country and he doesnt even have passport . i told her i know. i sent him pics of my self some didnt show my face. apparently a pic i showed her shocked her she couldnt believe it was me because that same pic i showed her was one he sent to her bragging that it was some girl he met in ny that he was bangin out. but it was me. anyways today i sent him a message telling him i was onto him i knew about all his lies and that i was just a game and object to him and i knew he never loved me and that i see right through him . he text back that he wants me to delete his number that i was childish and too bad and that i was ... as he turned my words around on me.. irrelevant. i guess i will never hear from him again since he made it clear to not contact him..ok with me. the new girl he has living with him now is as ugly as sin which i didnt get since he was so anal about how i looked and obsessed with me working out but she is gross looking. he dumped me for her but like he told me she is his slave and he dont care about that ... white bitch... he had told me numerous times that he is not right in the head that he is dead inside and he has no feelings and he can care less about anyone but i was different. he has threatened my life a few times saying he could make me disappear that he likes messing with peoples minds we had a fight a couple of times and since i refused to back down he said i was stubborn bitch and dont mess with him. he has also hacked into my computer and phone which is what he did to his wife also but denies it and will swear on his sons life ... all lies. he always said i was the smartest chick he has ever met and that he is always harder on me cuz i should know better. well i do know better and if i am smart like he says why was he always treating me like i was stupid. oooh there is so much more to this but i am just glad it isnt just me. i dont feel alone anymore. the hurt is still there tho but since he made it clear he didnt want me contacting him anymore i have confort in knowing i will never hear from him again.

It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Thank you for the article. I agree that you're dead on. I have maintained no contact with an occasional slip early on, since the first, obvious, completely unnecessarily cruel discard. It had been difficult, bur I do it "one day at a time." same way I quit smoking.

My n tried to reel me back for some punishment, but I ignored her. She's very young, attractive, and charming. So her sources if supply seem endless. She was already phasing me out-- trying to triangulate and pitt me against the new OTHER woman. Anyway, I've done right things and have likely insulted her endlessly by my outward indifference. I got the desired effect. She's gone. sadly, I work with her. So I see her often and sometimes have to interact with her. And part of me wishes she'd try. Part of me wishes there was hovering. I know I'm lucky that she doesn't , but it still hurts.

Elena's picture

Very interesting. After divorcing a narcissist, it's been now 2+ years, and suddenly his oldest sister who never liked me sent me an invitation to be her friend on Facebook! Unbelievable! I of course ignored her request, and refuse to connect with him or his family/close ones in any way. So beware, he may use third parties to prompt "contact" with you.

bedrtimes's picture

well, today i called him out on another rash of lies that occurred thursday night. today he got mad and said "lets just end and dont ever call again" it so i said "ok bye liar". i have been trying to have him not call but like so many others were sucked back in by the toxicity of the N. i am truly hoping that this will be the first day of never hearing from him again. it took me four years to harden my heart toward him. it will probably take me another few just to find my suffocated soul. he is and always will be a liar, a cheater, and a whore. ive come to accept that. no one i know likes him at all. the only ones that play into his act are his family members. my family like him for a minute then i told them about the name calling and put downs and all the other abuse. ill keep you posted.

agent995's picture

I need to go more. I know. I did 15 and contacted. Was peeved at myself. But i have impulse issues.. i take an antidepressant but it doesn't really help when it comes to him. It is the Brainwashing i think from him. He used to get very pissy at me when i would call him out and he would threaten "I Will block yoru phone number and dump your email if you don't stop y,x and z. I am not a WHiney girl but i became that way. "oh don't i would say, lets keep it calm" but i realize he was threatening me just like he used to say "oh well if you won't do this for me I will just call someone else' I once said SO go ahead, call someone else. and he was dumbfounded like "what?" I hope you guys can ghelp me stay on track from this unhealthy thing i did to myself by sticking around. And now he won't contact me which has me crazy. Can you believe that?

bedrtimes's picture

its all in the power of their mind games. try to laugh at the future they will end up having. they will not treat anyone any differently. they always say its us but then they get involved with the next and it happens again. they will never be happy with anyone because there will always be something wrong with the next one. its not possible for them to hide their real selves forever. be happy your life will be stress free.

stillnotsure's picture

Did he actually say x y z? Mine always said that!

agent995's picture

Ugh I am mad at myself for this. i was doing well. then last nite after a martini and glass of wine, i was on the computer and emailed for him to give me a ring.. WHY DID I give up my power? now i need to start again. I will write my story today but basically he took me for a ride for 9 years and now is marrying his blonde coworker. i thought mayeb he would actually be honest and tell me what happned between us and how he just happned to get engaged when he never metnioned this woman.. i don't know I need some support ladies i really need to get this toxicity out of my mind and body.. so any words of wisdom would help immensely. grazie. Ciao..

ssm's picture

the stealth narcs (like the one I was with) who do not initiate any contact, that do not care we are NC, how can we feel that our NC is revenge, if it doesnt phase them? :(

It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Well, we get to watch them quickly move on. The toughest thing for me is having to watch it happen at work. Work used to be a safe haven from personal torment. Now it's a test of strength every day. And every day still ends with tears.

The tough thing is not having a normal sense of "closure.". I'm still trying to find one. And I have no delusions that my semi-no contact (I have to work with her) is a punishment at all. She's too busy falling in love (with whatever it is she "loves") to notice. There have been two new loves since her manipulation turned suddenly from love bombing to punishing. That's in 5 months. I'm gonna guess there will be more. And I'll get to watch.

Hang in there and try to find your footing in acceptance. I never honestly have gotten much of a sense of solace regarding any sort of "revenge" after a breakup anyway. If her whole life flies apart, it won't really help me any, other than to confirm that I've dealt with an unbalanced human, but I already know that.

Laughs Last's picture

My n would never know I went NC, he's over me & my crying. I did not get any closure from nc. I'm certain that I will never hear from him again any more than he would chase down the garbage truck to retrieve a piece of refuse. I'm sure I'm forgotten, not even a blip on his radar. That douche convinced me to get matching tattoos w him. Now I dont know whether to remove it or wear it as a badge of sorts - the time in my life when I had a renaissance - losing a loved one+ being found and preyed upon by an N & finally seeking help as a result for the damage inflicted by my N mother.

crimson96's picture

I know your pain as I lived thru the same thing, even down to the tatoo. Please keep going to therapy and visiting this website. Lisa's website gave me a place where other people understood exactly what we go thru because most people don't have a clue unless they have been there. Time does heal and the longer you are away from your x N, you will begin to see how lonely you were in the relationship because a life with them will always be lonely and unfullfilling. I am finally to the point where I feel sorry for his next victim. Their behavior will NEVER change!!

It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Well, we get to watch them quickly move on. The toughest thing for me is having to watch it happen at work. Work used to be a safe haven from personal torment. Now it's a test of strength every day. And every day still ends with tears.

The tough thing is not having a normal sense of "closure.". I'm still trying to find one. And I have no delusions that my semi-no contact (I have to work with her) is a punishment at all. She's too busy falling in love (with whatever it is she "loves") to notice. There have been two new loves since her manipulation turned suddenly from love bombing to punishing. That's in 5 months. I'm gonna guess there will be more. And I'll get to watch.

Hang in there and try to find your footing in acceptance. I never honestly have gotten much of a sense of solace regarding any sort of "revenge" after a breakup anyway. If her whole life flies apart, it won't really help me any, other than to confirm that I've dealt with an unbalanced human, but I already know that.

ericamichelle's picture

if what an N is seeking is validation and wanting to be loved, why do they show it soooo easily and intensely in the beginning....and then when they get you to love them, and you are showing that you love them, completely and unconditionally, do they take it away? if their ultimate goal is to be loved, then why do they push it away once they've got it? i keep thinking when he's pushing me away, if i just hang in there and show him how much i love him, he will eventually turn it around, realize that i love him for who he is, and he will be that guy again.
what am i missing?

Used's picture

they want you TO LOVE THEM, but that doesnt mean they want to be with you...i know it sounds bizarre, but he got you too love him, now he has to go get someone else TO LOVE HIM, he will leave them as well, thinking of someone having a great big barn and stockpiling tins and tins of food, they dont eat it ,they just keep adding to it, as long as they know it is there and one day if they feel like opening a tin[you], he knows when he has finished it...he will replace it with another tin...as long as a narc can be sure someone loves him,thats why in the beginning all the lovebombing, once you love him,he has another tin to add to his stockpile...he doesnt have to keep visiting his stockpile b/c he is sure it will always be there...

It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

That's a very helpful analogy. Thank you.
I find myself anxious to see the next one discarded. And I have nothing against the next one, but I think I just want to know that I'm right. However, I understand she may find one to fuck with and manipulate for years to come. I just have to remember... she wasn't nice to me. She doesn't deserve me. It's been so tough to walk away, but you only get one chance to abuse me like that. And in the end... love bombing or not, she chose somebody else. Actually, she would have been happy if I stayed, but her actions and cruelty toward me told me that she didn't choose me. At least not in a way I want to be chosen. Still, so hard to lose the person I thought she was.

repressed memory's picture

I couldn't agree more! I think their COLLECTING HEARTS like a stamp or coin collector. Mine said "all women are the same." I don't know if he truly believed that or only wished it? All interchangeable. When I told my husband that, he thought N was nuts!! He wanted ALL the women to LOVE HIM at the office, and those were just the ones I knew about. They definitely want a stock pile. HOW INSANE IS THAT??? How can someone be so broken that they need all the women to love them?? It makes me sad to think about it!! I often wonder how many of them end up being HOARDERS?

Totally Stunned's picture

Used - that was one of the best descriptions I have read yet. Well done and very timely. My narc - who I was always sad that he never "hoovered" just did last week. Still cant believe I fell for the hoovering too. Thanks for this enlightening explanation! God Bless!

Marlinmom's picture

I thin the stockpile of stuff you don't need is really an element of this disorder. My N literally stockpiled food and supplies. He would claim it was to save money, that he'd buy in volume when he saw something on sale, but I think he was showing his approach to life -- if something feels or is good, or brings them any pleasure, or they think it might bring pleasure, they can't resist it. "I might want this, and then I can't stand the thought of running out." so, stockpile other sources of attention and supply and then if something goes wrong on the one you're supposed to be working on, like you're marriage, visit that barn and grab attention from someone else you've been stockpiling for that emotional rainy day. TWISTED.