If you’re like me, you have fallen for more than one Narcissist. As a result, I often ask myself why I’m attracted to these personality types and would like to understand why they are attracted to me.
In my opinion, the first part of this question is simple. It is easy to fall for a Narcissist. They are charming, witty and often the life of the party. They are the quintessential Alpha Male. To spend time with them is exciting and fun. There is an intensity about them that is indescribable. They possess a force that is magnetic. There is simply never a dull moment and they always keep you on your toes.
On the other hand, understanding why they are attracted to me is a bit more perplexing. Recently, however, I have finally started to understand it. I have learned I am an Empath, which describes a person who is highly tuned into other’s emotions and extremely sensitive. I have always been this way. In fact, my childhood friend was once asked to describe me in one word and without hesitation she responded by saying “sensitive.” I was surprised by the rapid-fire response she gave, but it was eye-opening, to say the least.
I have always been sensitive, and I find this to be both a blessing and a curse. I can feel other people’s emotions as if they’re my own. I have been told by others that my ability to empathize with them is palpable. While this is a blessing in many ways, it can prove difficult in interpersonal relationships. Empaths feel things more strongly than others and Narcissists pick up on the sensitivity of an Empath and take advantage of it. An Empath is the perfect accoutrement to a Narcissist.
Empaths are incredible listeners, naturally giving and always there for people they care about. Narcissists notice this immediately because they purposefully seek a partner who is compassionate and in tune with their never-ending needs. An Empath absorbs the emotions of others and will easily fall prey to a Narcissist, who uses others as an emotional sponge.
Empaths are very sensitive to suffering in the world and are often idealists who want to fix the world’s problems. Empaths have an incredible capacity for self-sacrifice and are often found volunteering or dedicating time to help others. People naturally feel comfortable sharing their feelings with an Empath because of their incredible ability to feel compassion and connect with others.
Whereas a Narcissist does not connect well with others, an Empath connects too much. When Empaths are around peace and love, they flourish. However, when surrounded by an emotional vampire, like the Narcissist, an Empath is ravaged. An Empath absorbs the negativity, fear and rage of a Narcissist. So much so that they take on these problems as their own and try to fix things for their partner. This is precisely what a Narcissist is looking for in a partner and exactly why they seek out relationships with Empaths.
The Narcissist chooses us for a reason. They choose us because we are strong, successful, intelligent and driven. They need someone to take care of their never-ending child-like needs and certainly are not going to choose someone who can't provide for them. They know they can take a lot from us and gain significantly by being in a relationship with us. They want to be taken care of and choose strong people to partner with for a reason. Overall, I believe being an Empath is truly a gift, but we must be careful not to allow others to take advantage of us.
I received the following message this morning from forum member, Carol24, and it inspired me to write this blog. Carol says it perfectly, so with her permission, I’d like to share her words with all of you:
I just had a thought and I felt I wanted to share it with you.
I have noticed that so many of us ladies who write in blame ourselves constantly. For example, one lady was beating herself up because she had given in and contacted her ex when she heard he was going through a difficult time. I pointed out that, although no-contact is the way to go, what she did was kind and she should not feel disappointed in herself for having feelings of human nature. It is as if our narcissist partners have programmed us all to see all of our positive attributes as weaknesses. Perhaps they do this on purpose because they perceive having feelings as weak and a disadvantage.
It does sometimes appear that the narcissist has the upper-hand over us genuine people because they lack feelings. e.g. They break our hearts but they will never experience this themselves which seems so unjust. From what I've read, narcissism itself seems to be a defense mechanism that is designed to protect them from being hurt by others - it is very effective! We all like to believe that "what goes around comes around" but it seems that, for them, this is not the case. They are like machines without feelings and it is easy for those of us who have been made to feel helpless and powerless by them to begin to see this as a strength or even to feel some degree of jealousy because they can hurt us whilst that their emotionless "thick-skin" is deemed inpenetrable .
However, I think it is important for us ladies to remind ourselves that, due to their sub-conscious feelings of self-loathing, narcissists also have contempt for the people who love them and this is their weakness. Underneath their haughty facade they have such little self-worth that when they see that a woman wants to be with them they (sub-consciously) ask themselves "why?" and "what's wrong with her that makes her want to be with a pathetic worthless creature like me?". They then go on to treat the woman very badly as a result of these feelings of total contempt.
Although we are victims of their abusive behaviour, deep down we are much stronger people than they are. Our self-esteem will recover in time but theirs never will. They will always need other people to validate their self-worth, where as we are healthy-minded women who can validate our own self-worth. We must never allow ourselves to feel that our good qualities, such as kindness, thoughtfulness or wanting to see the good in other people, make us weak. We are strong and they are the weak ones."
This member is right. The Narcissist does purposefully cause us to doubt ourselves and our good-naturedness. The one thing a Narcissist can never take away from us is our ability to feel. A Narcissist will never experience the range of emotions we do, which is precisely why they are so jealous, envious and covetous of those of us who can.
We cannot allow the Narcissist to cause us to doubt ourselves because of their jealousy. They manipulate us into believing that we did something wrong by loving them. We blame ourselves for loving this person when we did absolutely nothing wrong but believe in the goodness of another person.
The Narcissist chooses us for a reason and we must never forget that reason!
"Don't rob a friend, a partner, family member or the world of someone that could have been a real companion, and someone that could make a difference. Don't ever give up being special!"
~ Willy Conradie