Why a Narcissist Inevitably Devalues & Discards (D&D) You

Lisa E. Scott's picture

"Women know intuitively when they are being devalued."
~ Robyn Silverman

Being in a relationship with a Narcissist is like being on a roller-coaster ride that never ends. One moment, you feel loved, adored and cherished. The next, you feel devalued, discarded and abused. Narcissists have often been described as having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. You never know what kind of mood a Narcissist is going to be in and you certainly never know how he is going to treat you. A Narcissist is unpredictable and unstable. You are always walking on eggshells around him.

Unfortunately, once a Narcissist is victorious and secures your love, the idealization phase of the relationship passes and his true colors emerge. You begin to see the pathology of his personality and realize he merely put on an act in the beginning of the relationship to win and secure your love. He becomes demanding and angry, unaware that you have needs or a separate self at all. He simply finds it impossible to see you as an independent entity.

Trying to understand how you went from being idealized and put on a pedestal to being completely discarded is baffling. Suddenly, you can’t do anything right and nothing you do is good enough for him. By understanding the inevitable Devalue & Discard (D&D) behavior of a Narcissist, you will finally realize what happened and know that you did NOTHING wrong to cause such a drastic change in his behavior.

It is important to understand when in a toxic relationship, you are viewed as nothing more than an extension of your Narcissist. Narcissists seek out relationships in order to ensure someone is present to cater to their needs, stroke their ego and make them look good. Men often select a trophy wife. Beautiful women are the ultimate status symbol for men….proof of their masculinity and virility. On the other hand, female narcissists are typically attracted to wealthy men who can support their obsession with image and status.

A Narcissist will eventually devalue and discard you with no remorse. It is inevitable in any relationship with a Narcissist. At some point, he/she will emotionally and physically withdraw from you and leave you wondering what you did wrong. Please remember, you did NOTHING wrong. It has NOTHING to do with you. A Narcissist is unable to attach in a healthy way to anyone. Ultimately, they will pull away no matter what you do.

A Narcissist has a lot of built-up resentment toward his significant other. He knows he is reliant on you for validation. However, he craves variety and is easily bored. As a result, he blames you for tying him down to a monotonous and mundane lifestyle. This creates in him a great deal of anger towards you because he does not want to rely on you, yet knows he must in order to get the validation he so desperately needs. He does not respect you because he knows you put up with a lot of abuse from him. You have done nothing wrong but be overly giving and nurturing. Yet he is angry with you and blames you for all of his unhappiness.

He is urgent, preoccupied with himself and always trying to right his chronic imbalance. While some Narcissists do not feel the emptiness in their lives, their behavior causes major suffering and angst among those around them. Once a Narcissist feels he has obtained control of you, you will see a completely different side of him you never knew existed. Once in control, a Narcissist becomes demeaning and cruel.

Narcissists are oblivious to others and how their behavior affects people close to them. They dismiss the feelings, ideas, and opinions of others. They are condescending in their nature. They belittle, criticize, judge and put others down.

A Narcissist can be blatant about it or quite subtle in his approach. He has a way of putting you down in such a way that you don’t even realize you have been insulted until you reflect upon the conversation later or someone points it out to you. Other times, he is brutally offensive.

While Narcissists do not always realize how hurtful their behavior is, it doesn’t mean at times, they are not deliberately abusive. A Narcissist is purposefully abusive when his relationship with you changes in a way that is not to his liking. This occurs whenever he starts to feel too close to you. Intimacy terrifies a Narcissist, and he will respond by being purposefully abusive in order to push you away.

Another example of when a Narcissist is intentionally abusive is if you voice your displeasure or threaten to leave the relationship. A Narcissist cannot be alone. He must always have someone present to validate him. By asserting abusive behavior, he is attempting to maintain his dominance and control over you.

A Narcissist has a way of turning everything around so you begin to question yourself. He will do something terribly mean or cruel. You will talk to him about it, and by the end of the conversation, you are the one apologizing for some reason. A Narcissist knows how to manipulate better than anyone.

A Narcissist eventually becomes sarcastic and belittles you constantly. You begin to feel you can do nothing right in his eyes and your presence is hardly tolerable. You’re baffled. You wonder what you did wrong to cause such a drastic change in his feelings toward you. You struggle desperately to return things to the way they were in the beginning. Unfortunately, as hard as you try, things will never be the same again. He is not the man you thought he was. It is a maddening and precarious way to live and can drive anyone to the edge of their sanity.

When a Narcissist feels he is in control of you and is not threatened by any fear that you will ask for too much from him or leave the relationship, he will engage in escapist activity and appear as if he hardly knows you exist the majority of the time. You are merely present to validate him should he not get enough attention from the outside world that day.

You are treated with indifference by the person who once showered you with affection. His “silent treatment” is his way of devaluing you. If you begin to pull away, he will lay on the charm again. Trust me, a Narcissist knows when to engage his false self to ensure you never leave him. He is always reminding you that he understands you like no one else can or ever will. It is essential that he makes you believe only he can understand you. By constantly telling you that you have problems and quirks only he can understand, he believes you will become dependent on him. By telling you he loves you despite your flaws, he hopes you will begin to feel unlovable in some strange paranoid way. This is his way of ensuring you will never leave him. It is narcissistic manipulation at its finest and you need to recognize it.

A Narcissist will always ensure he has someone present and available to him at all times to validate him. Unfortunately, he will give you no warning when he decides to leave in pursuit of validation from someone new. This is when we must remember we did NOTHING wrong and this outcome was inevitable. Narcissists crave variety and are easily bored.

A Narcissist will simply discard you when he becomes convinced that you can no longer provide him with sufficient validation. Keep in mind, this evaluation of his is totally subjective and not grounded in reality at all. Suddenly, because of boredom, a disagreement, an act or a failure to act, he swings from total idealization to complete devaluation.

He then disconnects from you immediately. He needs to preserve all of his energy in order to obtain and secure new sources of supply. He sees no need to spend any of his precious time and energy on you, whom he now considers useless.

You must accept the fact that you were not an object of love to this person, but a pawn, a mere source of supply to feed his fragile ego; nothing more, but certainly nothing less. Once you understand how he must constantly change his source of supply, you will realize his rejection of you has NOTHING to do with you. He will repeat this cycle in every relationship he enters. It is inevitable. Be grateful this toxic abusive man is out of your life and never let him back.

Comments

dawncheri's picture

Devaluing

My ex devalued me over and over again..it got to the point where I thought I was the crazy one and a very bad person. Then, one day I looked at him....I mean REALLY looked at him..and the other people in my life..he is and always has been the only person I have ever known to think such awful things about me....he is just a mean man...a sick man...he talked to me about all his exes like he began talking to me and about me....I feel thankful that I got out....I haven't missed him much..and myself esteem is building again. These people are just in a world all their own.....

Time to heal's picture

He doesn't devalue and discard his wife

Lisa,
I'm not sure if you've seen this kind of behavior from a narcissist before, but I need some advice. My ex narcissist is exactly what you described. I went through that hellish roller coaster. I was devasted when the relationship ended and he didn't care one bit. After the D&D I got from my ex-narc ,he moved on to another woman and eventually married her. From all appearences, they seem to be very happy. They have been together for 15 years and I don't see the D&D happening to her. Could he maybe not do this to her because she upholds his social image and perhaps he has a secretive life where he get's his kicks behind her back?

I guess I just don't get how he could be a narcissist with me and not be one with her. (My therapist says he is definitely a narcissist so I don't question that he is one)

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Hunter's picture

He left you 15 years ago? Are

He left you 15 years ago? Are you still focused on something that happened 15 years ago?

How do you know they live in wedded bliss?? No one knows what happens behind closed doors ..
Hunter

Time to heal's picture

I hadn't thought about him

I hadn't thought about him this whole time. About 4 years ago my CPTSD was triggered when I ran into a mutual friend and he told me my ex was married with kids.

I was so frustrated that I was obsessing about him from that point on so I went to a therapist. She told me that it was because I finally felt safe in my life that I was able to finally face what happened to me. I've since accepted that he never loved me. Unfortunately, I still feel the pain of the horrible and disrespectful way he treated me when he professed to love me.

I literally feel like his only victim. But you are right. I do not know what is going on behind the scenes. But I can guarantee you that he is not disrespecting her the way he did me. His social circle wouldn't accept that kind of behavior towards her. They all love her and he couldn't handle any of them not liking him for anything.

repressed memory's picture

Time to Heal

Something similar happened to me. I repressed my memories for 25 YEARS! I wasn't married or engaged but it was someone I worked with. A single event caused my memories to come crashing in like a sunami. I just want to comfort you with the thought that they will appear normal on the outside of their relationship but inside it is anything but normal. Trust me on this one. She is just someone who doesn't have options, is much more tolerating, someone he can kick easier and knows how to keep a secret. I met my N's wife not long ago. She was NO BEAUTY, inside and out. She is just willing to put up with a lot! I feel sorry for her because he rushed the relationship and she didn't know him long when they got married. She is just a MOTHER REPLACEMENT, ego filler, door mat, etc. There are a lot of very sad stories out there where these spouses, both women and men, hiding their abuse very well because they're embarrassed and just puting on a show.

How could I's picture

I'm confused

Mine always tells me I'm too smart to think this way or that. Has not shown anger toward me. He the other day walked away from me. Is this typical?

Sparkles422's picture

I Was Devalued and Discarded

And I wasn't even aware until it all happened. I had adored my narcissist for 3 years but in the ensuing 4 years after we built our "dream house" and finished decorating it, suddenly things began to change. I was no longer interested in sex, something deep down was telling me something was wrong. I thought it was me and I tried all different ideas to get the relationship back to where it was the soul mate of my life deal. But I began to rebel and he was so patient, understanding and yet would suddenly make a remark that took a few hours of time for me to realize it was hurtful.

He told me he wanted to be just like me. And he began to emulate my characteristics, he even wanted to wear my perfume. He told me that in the beginning he wanted to conquer me and set out to do that. The next day after our first date, he mailed me that he loved me. I was shocked. He told me I didn't know how to shop, that I bought things too small for me and I began to feel imprisoned that I was incapable of making the easiest decisions. I began to feel guilty about buying items, food, clothing. I began to deny basic needs. I felt I was walking on eggshells. But he was never overt. I had nothing really to go on, other than a chance look that was filled with dislike. He began to distance me from my family and friends. I was completely isolated on 5 acres and I felt like I was in a box that was getting smaller and smaller.

Everyday, I told him that he was the most handsome man in the world (I believed it too, he's not). He is older than me by 11 years. That everything he touched was perfect.

About 2 years ago, I changed. I began to tell the truth. No that is not perfect and I would offer ideas in which to better it. He never really had any, he would steal mine, wait a few days and pretend to have just thought of it. When I brought that to his attention he said I am always looking for validation.

Anyway, he seduced a woman his age from high school on facebook. She is currently married for 45 years and is evidently vulnerable and in thrall with him. He carried on this affair while we lived together in the same house until the divorce finalized and the house sold. It was very painful; the texting and the calls- nothing was hidden from me. And the head games he played and one day when he discovered I was changing careers, this look came over his face and he talked about reconciliation and what did that actually say about the gf he has seduced. And the remarks about the dangers of boredom and he knew all about that. He abandoned me with $50 when he bought a motorcycle, dyed his moustache and left for weeks at a time.

I am now living in my own place. I initiated divorce in March and it was done in July. No contact whatsoever and he keeps trying to collect a measly $108 for electric (when I moved out earlier). I ignore it, I don't respond.

I feel sorry for this woman. Her life will be ruined. I asked him not to do this, that she was married for so long and the marriage had made it through hills and dales. But he lied and then proceeded to carry on because of his needs.

When I finally got help, I said I had been in a spiritual desert and I had been. I came out like a husk but God gave me the strength, the courage and the tenacity to start a new life, a new career with very little money at the age of 54.

I pray I never meet another predator in my life. He wanted my empathy, compassion, creativity, my money; all the things that were uniquely me and can never be sucked away. He screamed he hated me, he loved me, he hated me and he was going to bleed me dry.

With each passing day, my hope dwindles (Thank God) and my life becomes more whole. What a painful terrible experience that was and still is but I am much, much better. I still tremble when I think about this whole marriage. It was really scary.

Done sourcing's picture

Welcome to the site. Sounds

Welcome to the site. Sounds like it is time to be here. You tried your hardest, and it wasnt meant to be. I wish him luck as he moves on to the next victim of his mental carnage. You will find all the support you need here, good luck!

ds

twisted's picture

jekyll and hyde

This hits so close to home. This one is so hard to swallow because I still want to believe that he did love me. He played the act well. But it changed so drastically. I couldn't believe that someone could be that hot and cold. He could so easily just tune me out, act like he didn't care. It felt awful the way he put a wall up to me. I felt unwelcome in my own home. I twisted myself into knots trying to get back in his good books. I felt like a shadow in his life. I felt like a nuisance. He stopped including me, stopped talking to me, stopped everything really. He changed jobs, got new friends, he literally started a new life that he kept me out of. And this from a guy who used to be crazy about me. Except sometimes he would throw me a crumb, and I saw it as hope. I lived for those moments of crumbs for years. I would have done anything to fix it, and I tried everything. But nothing ever changed.

TNR1's picture

Lisa..thank you for this....

I cried while reading this because it is all too familiar. I didn't get a lot of direct put downs...but I attribute that to the fact that I was the OW (or at least one of them) and he would always complain about the primary girl to me. What I got was a lot of objectified text messages (I felt like a breathing blow up doll) and a LOT of silent treatment. Unfortunately I have issues from my childhood that make me very suseptible to Ns. Just as the N gets a high off off the potential of me, I get a high off the potential of him. It never lasts...and the withdrawals are miserable..but I have struggled to let him go, even while knowing what he is and that it won't change. The "hope" is what keeps me going..and it is tied directly to my parents, not the N, but he feels like "the answer" to the wound from my past. So I've bookmarked this page with the intention of reading it each and every time I want to text or email or call him to give him NS in the hope that I will get the "blessing" from him that I am worthy of something (a crumb) in return.

findingmeagain's picture

I've read this and Lisa do

I've read this and Lisa do they really do this to everyone? This married woman my ex N is with now seems very vulnerable and miserable in her marriage. She told me that her husband is leaving at the end of this month and i'm guessing now her and him can "be together". She gives him money something I refuse to do I didn't do it when we were together and i'm not gonna start now. As soon as she gives him money he is gone again. I think this time for good. The way he talks to me is like move on , leave me alone, and this is in a matter of a week . Yes just last week we were together and this man was talking marriage. I'm so confused right now. In a matter of hours he switched to someone else and acts like he hates me and loves her . YES I SAID HOURS. Earlier part of the day he was in my home laying up with me and that same night i drive pass his apt. and her suv is outside . And this was late at night so.... Smh Lisa I don't think he will do this with everyone because she is still married and only sees him sometimes. And she comes bearing money and gifts so she is always on his good side. She will never see the side I've seen and I think this woman knows this. She will always be his "true love" because she does what he wants and likes.

Disillusionedx2's picture

findingmeagain......

If he is a true N, yes, he will repeat the same N~cycle, it does not matter what she does, it's not her, it's HIM.
She is in the idealization stage at the moment, her time has not come but trust it will. They cannot NOT repeat the pattern of behavoir that is their pathology.

The money and gifts are just part of the game, he will come to feel dependent upon her and actually RESENT her for what she's giving him, how do I know? I was HER.
It's just my nature to do and give to those close to me, if I hear a friend say they have no food, I will purchase them groceries, I did the same for the N and he had plenty of needs, I met them all.

Ultimately, I was D/D'd just like the rest, the money and gifts meant nothing, well they did, he refused to return them when I asked for them back, but in their quest for never ending supply they will and do give it up for what is in their sights, he even told me he would rather be with someone that didn't have anything, meaning, uneducated, poor "normal" as he put it, it was just another way he put me down.

I am not those things, he left me for such a person, so, don't be fooled, if he is a N, the pattern will repeat. There is no such thing as "true love" when it comes to a N, they are incapable of that emotion, their mind may wander in that direction but it won't stay, you can't act out "love" for long without actually "feeling" something. I knew of N's past behaviors toward his past "supply" I thought I was in a better position than they so he would appreciate that more, NOT...it happens during the idealization phase, once he has his hooks in, the bottom will fall out!

findingmeagain's picture

thanks....

Mines would do this too degrading me about my job, and saying stuff like "why don't you go back to school and do something with your life". When I would come to him and ask would he keep my daughter so I could go back he would say i've got things I need to do too. So he would critisize me and then not support me. I feel like this makes me sound weak and needy but at that time my daughter was young and we didn't really have money to put her in daycare.
He left me with two children for this married woman. And he knows my job has been cutting my hours back so when I go and take child support out on him . He downs me and says things like "you couldn't wait to do this huh , you did this to punish me". Everytime he hoovers me he acts like he is not upset about the child support . This last time I think he thought I would give him money . And I think this married woman was in on this too. It just hurts me to think he would act like this. He swore on his mother's grave he was serious about us being together and working things out. smh on his mother's grave.

Lisa E. Scott's picture

It's all about the hunt and the kill

FindingMeAgain - You say: "She will always be his 'true love' because she does what he wants." I can see why you believe she will remain in his favor as long as she caters to his every need. They do choose us for a reason:

http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/04/23/why-narcissist-chooses-us

However, ultimately a Narcissist will Discard & Devalue everyone he is with because he is incapable of love. Eventually, a Narcissist grows tired of the person he is using because he knows down deep he is abusing them. The game eventually loses its thrill and he will leave in pursuit of new, more challenging supply.

Narcissists enjoy the hunt and the kill. They grow bored easily and because they are not capable of love, they will not stay with someone out of love. Narcissists enter into relationships for entirely different reasons than we do. They are incapable of love. Their needs always come first and when they get an itch, they will scratch it with no remorse or thought as to how it may affect others.

Just like DisillusionedX2 said: "The money and gifts are just part of the game, he will come to feel dependent upon her and actually RESENT her for what she's giving him."

He will inevitably discard her just like the rest. It is inevitable and simply a matter of time. Get away from this man while you can! She is his victim, not his true love. Narcissists are incapable of true love.

Itsonlyme66's picture

Hoovering, unprovoked attacks, and defensive stance...

My boyfriend and I lived together for 5 years. During that period, he moved out (ran) from our home at least 10 times. He would leave and always eventually return.

This time, when my N left, he actually leased an apartment up the street for 1 year. That was the first time he got his own place, so I realized he was not coming back.

I tried to remain friends with him, as the thought of being enemies with him wasn't something I could deal with at the time. The more I tried to talk to him, the more he rejected me.

I finally emailed him and said I was sorry that we couldn't be civil at the very least, but that I understood and I would leave him alone. He replied, "thank you."

2 days later, he texted me a photo of himself waving and said "happy easter". The next day, he called. He wanted to see me.... he seemed like a different person. He wanted me to see his new place, and be friends.

???

Mind you, we were broken up at this point for two months; and in the interim, I met a girlfriend and we began to go out on Friday nights together. (We actually only went out 3 times.) My computer broke, so I found someone to fix it. I needed to hire a landscaper for the yard. I also bought a new car. A red 2011 sonata. I traded in my silver 2009 corolla to get it. I began to make new friends and feel more like myself again. Life was rolling forward, with or without my N...

The first night (friday) that I went to see him, I was treated like gold. I didn't even recognize what was happening but naturally I didn't fight it. He made love to me, massaged my back, cried in front of me telling me that he didn't know what he was doing at this stage of his life and didn't know if we would work things out, but that he did love me.

He invited me back the next night (saturday). I went again, since the last meeting was wonderful, and again - another beautiful evening. "I want to make you happy... I am the luckiest man in the world that you are here with me tonight....I love you... I do miss you..." Slowly, he began to talk about things like breaking the lease and coming home - the possibility was open for that.

The next day, I was shopping and I purchased a nice shirt for him. He invited me up that day (sunday) and I showed up and gave him the shirt. He thanked me, hung it in the closet. I sat down and he offered me a drink and a snack. We were enjoying watching TV together on the couch, when I slowly saw him unfold right in front of me. He began to ask questions about what I had been doing. Here are some of the things my N said to me in the course of about 4 hours:

You know your landscape man wants to f*ck you. Fire him or are you too naive to know this? he knows you are alone... lock your doors at night or he may show up at 3:00 to rape you...

Why did you have to get a different car? You need attention, that's why. That's why the Corolla wasn't good enough for you (in reality it was too small for my needs and my back hurt in it...) but when I protested, he told me I was a liar. He said why a RED car? I said it was the only used 2011 model on the lot I could afford. Then he called it junk and told me I got ripped off. (My N is a CAR DEALER and I ASKED him to help me when I wanted to get a different car. He told me he wasn't comfortable assisting me and told me to keep my corolla.... but I didn't, and he is now livid. He also asked me if the car salesman hit on me because I "bring that out" of men...

When I told him my computer crashed and it took the guy 4 days to fix it here at my house, I was accused of lying, that there was no computer problem, and that I was probably f*cking the man.

I was told he was certain I had sex with at least 2 different people since we broke up. I denied this vehemently to which he laughed at me and said he knew me better...

He told me that he wants a woman who is intelligent, sophisticated, and mature, and that I am none of those things.

When I finally stood up to him and told him I did not come here to be ripped apart and crucified, to have to defend myself, he said, "how does it feel? This is my house now. If you don't like it, get the f*ck out."

And yet, I stayed. I stayed and watched the clock as it turned from 10:00 pm to 1:30 am and he rampaged and lectured me like a bad child.

Finally I went home.
I cannot understand why he would be loving (i know it's an act) for 2 days (after telling me 2 days prior he never wanted to talk to me again yet he contacted me) and why he is on this kick about what I did while we were apart.

He said that it speaks for my "character" that I am "running around with a bar whore." I went out with my friend 3x in 2 months. I feel like I have to defend myself and from an N standpoint, what is going on in his head and why is he doing this?

Free-at-Last's picture

Don't fall for the hoovering!

Sweetheart, defending ourselves is something we just constantly have to do around narcissists. Read Lisa's post "The Narcissist's Hoover Maneuver" again, and scroll back above and re-read about how they devalue their partners above. Especially the last paragraph.

Like you, it's been two months since I split up with my ex, and I didn't even know about this site back then. But I certainly knew I had to leave, and I tried and tried for a few weeks to "be friends." It was just way, way too difficult, so I went "no contact" and I think it's the only way to get your head to clear.

Every time I heard something ridiculous come out of my ex's mouth, I too would wonder what's going on in her head (I'm a guy). But it's so difficult to understand, because their thinking is incredibly twisted compared to ours. Just like yours, my ex was constantly demanding to know where I was and who I was with. These are highly controlling people, and feel a powerful need to know (and criticize) everything. It's just so bizarre.

Of course your ex was so nice to you for two days – he wanted something from you, and he got it (you did sleep with him, and that gave him some validation). Now that he's had his fill, it's back to being the old jerk again – narcissists pump themselves up by putting others down.

Next, he's going to discard you (again), so get yourself prepared for that. And when he does go off chasing someone else, take the opportunity to never speak to him again. Don't remain friends, because he'll just keep repeating the hoovering / D&D cycle over and over until it drives you mad.

It's very good that he has his own place now, and I think the best thing you can do now is to never speak with him again. If it helps, have a funeral service in your mind for that kind and wonderful man who massaged your back, because you have to accept that he doesn't really exist. Best wishes!

Disillusionedx2's picture

Very insightful.....

Your words are highly insightful and TRUE, you cannot figure out why an N think the way they do, they're twisted individuals. They defy understanding, they're N's, all he did was take advantage of an opportunity given to him to d/d you, they're very envious and vindictive people. He saw that you were getting on fine without his Narc nonsense and couldn't stand it, selfish, sad, pathetic and miserable.

You absolutely cannot be friends with an N, you can accept him for who/what he is, don't question his antics/behavoir, and follow along with everything he says and does and eventually he will become bored and start a new battle. These people are disordered, they do not function on the same level as non N's, it's hard to wrap your mind around someone being this way but that's just the way it is. Take an opportunity and go NC and try to stay there and get back in touch with you, you sound like you were on the road to recovery, see what allowing them back in can do to you? tremendous set back and as FAL so eloqently stated, "he'll just keep repeating the hoovering / D&D cycle over and over until it drives you mad", best wishes.

Mindy's picture

Narcs are repulsed by being wanted.

It has been several months since I went no contact. It took several tries at it before I finally got it right and now I am free and clear of what I call his pollution in my life. As I gain clarity in my perspective of my two years with my Narc, I have a very different understanding than I did when I was still very much attached to him.

For me, my "pedestal" stage lasted for over a year. The reason is simple: because I always kept myself just out of his reach. Most times I acted like I wasn't sure if he was right for me, and I was sort of detached from him. This caused him to work double time using his good behavior to try and lure me. He would hit low points in which he would say things like he wasn't sure if he should be giving me his all because I wasn't really giving my all to him. I know now that those were times when his frustration with having to give so much of himself peeked. But as long as I represented something that was above him or just out of his reach, I was, in his eyes, a prize that would fix everything that was wrong with his life. Ultimately, that is what Narcs are after is something to cure their misery. When they idealize you, it's not YOU that they're idolizing, it's what they believe they will gain by having you in their life, namely, something to boost their ego, provide them with excitement, and status, not to mention the financial gains which are never far from their minds. Narcs are horrible with their money. They use money in much the same way as women, blowing it all trying to maintain a sense of importance and pleasure.

Everything changed when my Narc finally got what he seemed to be after for so long, my attachment to him . Once he got that, I no longer represented some kind of prize or cure-all which remained "out there." Now I was just some poor pathetic soul with no self respect who just wanted to be with him, which utterly turned him off. You see, a Narc can't stand being wanted. What he said to me was that he had waited so long for me to finally be like that and now that I was, it was too late. Of course, my Narc, in classic Narc fashion, hoovered, tried to get sex with good behavior, only to D&D immediately afterwards. When I started to pull away, he'd beg to be friends again, eventually trying to get sex. As long as they believe there is something they can get from you, worship, money, or sex, they will beat you down, but they will still keep you around.

The bottom line is a Narc's insecurities run so deep, that he feels if you like him, there is something wrong with you and he no longer wants anything to do with you. If you don't really like him, then he sees you as better than him, and something to pursue. It will always be a no-win.

my only drama was him's picture

My Ex N has never left me alone

This entire article hits home for me.

I have been on One HUGE rollercoaster ride for almost 2 years.
I was completely drawn in to what I thought was a relationship like no other. My ex was the "Man of my Dreams" we connected on every level imaginable UNTIL his N personality took over, then I was left wondering where the man I met went & wondering all the Time how to "fix" our relationship.
Now since it is over, I still have such a difficult time Moving Forward & completely healing. I have a hard time accepting that I was a supply source & that he didn't love me.
You are correct that many N's have a Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde personality. Mine did & I never knew who was going to step through that door, we lived together with my 11 year old daughter.
The first 6 months of our relationship we talked & connected, the last year of our relationship he NEVER talked to me. He almost ignored or avoided me. It was awful. If I dared to ask a question or ask for something at all, even an hour of his precious time He told me that I was being Selfish & self centered.
I was finding myself in an emotional, verbal, sexual & psychological abusive relationship.

My ex would put me down on every level. I cooked, did all the cleaning, all the grocery shopping, & split all the bills. I even paid for most of our nights out, & helped with fixing our TOYS which were "his boat & Camper."

He constantly told me that I didn't do enough or could do more. That what I did wasn't good enough, down to cleaning. I would vaccum daily & mop twice a day, once right before he got home to avoid fights. He would criticize me if there was a spec of dog hair behind the bathroom door or one glass in the sink. He even told me that the way I chewed my food Or swallowed water annoyed him. It seemed as if he couldn't stand my mere presence.

I am a 5'5" Blonde hair blue eyed woman who is only 120 pounds. My N told me I didn't have a tight enough toosh & big enough boobs.
He belittled me every chance he got, making me question everything about myself. When I met him he was Proud of who I was & the beautiful woman I was on the outside as well as inside. I was a strong & self confident person & self sufficient in the process of buying my own house. He convinced me not to & to move in with him.

I am still today struggling because He has never let me completely go. He still texts me. Asking many things from how is life to why did it have to be like this.
I even changed my phone number only for him to find it out. Instead of him questioning why I changed it, the first text I received afterwards just went on as usual. He thinks I will be here waiting & pining for him forever.
If I date anyone, he will text me & tell me I am a whore. If I don't respond to his Text messages he gets mad & texts me mean ones telling me that I am being selfish as usual by not responding to him.
He is a Master of Manipulation & the ultimate at Projection. The things he tells me are exactly what I feel about him.
I know in my Heart that he is Ill, & I can't rectify this relationship, but my Heart won't heal. He told me last week he loved me & still wonders "what could have been" But then he turns the next day & says If only you were the person I thought that you were & not this selfish spoiled conceited person we would have made it & you would have a ring on your finger or be married today. I know that I am none of those things but it hurts.
He tells me that He gave more to me than to anyone else, & that his only regret is giving too much. That is a joke, because he gave me NOTHING but heartache. He emotionally starved me.
I caught him in bed with His Previous Ex to me, & I left for 48hours. When I came back to get belongings he convinced me to stay, which I did for 2 months. All during which time he demoralized & degraded me. Demanding that I pay more & more towards our bills, at the end I was paying 90% of his mortgage plus still splitting the other bills. He still said that I didn't do enough.

When his last "RAGE" incident as I called them happened, it was so bad that I had to call 911. My daughter & I left the next day....& I still have Yet to retrieve all of my belongings. He made it Hell for me to gain access & get my things. He started sleeping regularly with his Ex, & all other exs of his past. He even text me pictures of his sexual conquests to make me hurt. He told me that I left him, & I therfore never wanted the love he had to give. It is mind boggling the way he seems to Justify his actions....& doesn't take any accountability just points all the blame on me.

I still went back to him, but while living elsewhere with hopes he would apologize & feel ANY Remorse for his actions. To this day he has yet to apologize. He feels it is all my fault.
He still had me over for two months after that until he decided to "Give it a shot" with his Ex entirely, all the while asking me to come sleep with him. I no longer was a Girlfriend just an Object.
He has since dumped her & now has a new main squeeze but still tries to keep me tied to him, & wants me on the side, giving me Hope that If I change & get MY WORDS & ACTIONS IN SYNC we have a chance. That statement is truly unbelievable since it is a statement I feel desribes him. He was the Liar, the manipulator & the cheat.

But until then, he will continue to date because quote on quote "Everyone wants him, likes him, & wants to be around him, he is God....& all my Ex's come back to me....If I am that horrible of a person why would they?"
I could go on & on but you get the idea. I am sparing you & others the horrific details of his "Rage" incidents & of the countless sexual things I encountered. As he is also addicted to sex & porn & must have Control over every aspect of that too.

He now tells people who ask Why we broke up that it was me, & not him cheating on me. He tells everyone that he gave his whole heart & opened up his home to me & my daughter But I didn't want his love. It hurts terribly to hear that. People are mind boggled because we appeared like the perfect couple, & people were so happy for him when we met Because they thought he Finally had found "THE ONE", since he had never been married before.
He told me that he challenges me to go find someone to "put up with me & my BS" because no one will love me for who I am Unless I change & that I should have considered myself lucky to find him.

How Lisa do I get this Narcissitic Ex to stop harrassing me???? I am in counseling, & have been for 4 months. But, I don't know how to end His Endless Game?? Will he ever let completely go? Will he ever tire of it??

My questions in additon to the 3 above are this:
1. Should I believe him when he says he loves me & misses me? Or is it all part of the Game? Does he love me just at that minute that he says it & not like normal people love one another?
Must I change my number again? I did block him from being able to text & call me last week which caused him such anger that he left a horrible message from his home phone telling me I was a C---. He said "You deserve so much better than me" to try & get me to respond to him & boost his ego by saying No, that I know. I also know I deserve better, its just so hard moving forward when he tries to keep me in....yet has another Girlfriend now that he spends time with. I wonder if he will do this to her like all the others.

2. I also wonder why does he torment me? Does he enjoy this & find it fun inflicting pain on me? If he doesn't want me why doesn't he let me go & give me peace to find happiness? Are N's that selfish & unhappy always to not want their Ex's happy? Like I asked above will he ever stop? Will he ever let completely go? I assume the reason why he reaches out is because he isn't completely happy & wants me to give him the Ego Boost he needs at that time.

3. Does he Truly believe the horrible things he tells me? Are N's just spewing knowing what to say to hurt us & push buttons or do they honestly believe what they say? I guess that is what hurts so much. I was So good to him & never thought of cheating like he did, although he constantly accused me. I don't want to believe he thinks I am selfish, because that hurts so much & its not true. It hurts that our joint friends don't see his EVIL side & remain his friend. I am so confused by his behavior...& its apparent that he can't have just one woman.
4. Do N's know that they cause pain? Are they capable of feeling any remorse?

In closing nothing else in my entire life has Hurt me like this constant mind game. I am somewhat glad that I caught him cheating Otherwise, this probably would have gone on for a much longer time. But, I assume once I Caught him & started to buck his system I no longer was an Ego boost, & I became a drain.

My divorce paled in comparison....& has me even question why I divorced in the first place. I even dated a man with Severe Bi-Polar & it wasn't nearly as bad as this relationship with this Narcissitic man.

Thankyou in advance for any light that you may shed on this....as I am lost for answers & have never met anyone so evil as him. I just want Closure which it seems he Never intends to give me...& I want to move on with my life.

Help
MY ONLY DRAMA IS HIM

Vilde's picture

Hello ! Soooo sorry to hear about your pain

I may say I know how it is.I know this pain.But don't worry! It is cureable! :)Now you don't believe it, but it is !

1. Should I believe him when he says he loves me & misses me? Or is it all part of the Game? Does he love me just at that minute that he says it & not like normal people love one another?

NO ,dear, he doesn't love you. He doesn't love anyone. It is a pure game.Check-mate at the end. (You are in check and he has a new mate). HE IS A PSYCHO. Leaving you is the best thing he did to you. I was in my relation with N. for 5 years. Being with him was a straight way to death.Literally. All I wanted was to die. Thanks God I dumped him for good and now I start to enjoy my life, even if it looks like Hiroshima after a nuclear explosion.
Believe me, the worse day without him will be way better than the best with him.

2. I also wonder why does he torment me? Does he enjoy this & find it fun inflicting pain on me? If he doesn't want me why doesn't he let me go & give me peace to find happiness?

Our pain is all what they want.They hate us. they want us cry, suffer, they want to make us sick, mentally ill, financially broken, in ruin... He is like a satan - you "resurrection" is his worse nightmare. He LOVES your pain.

3. Does he Truly believe the horrible things he tells me? Are N's just spewing knowing what to say to hurt us & push buttons or do they honestly believe what they say?

OF COURSE he believes ! But the worst is he wants YOU to believe it. NEVER DO IT !

4. Do N's know that they cause pain? Are they capable of feeling any remorse?

OF COURSE they know they cause pain! That's why they do it. All they doo is on purpose. (Hard to believe, right?)
Remorse? NEVER, they don't have conscience.My ex told me that causing pain is the best part of his life,mostly because he destroy others and there are no consequences for him.

kizzy72's picture

really touched home

Especially the part about him making you feel that no one will understand you or appreciate you the way he does.

HopeAgain's picture

Escapist activity! I was dating Houdini!

This really explains my entire relationship with my ex-Narc. The relentless abuse and mind games were so hard to figure out from a normal person's perspective which is why I continued to try so hard. I thought I was surely missing something & if I could just, as he would say, "stop pushing him away" or "make him want to be with me" I could make the relationship good again.
My ex-N would break up with me at the drop of a hat but he ALWAYS came back. I mistook this for love. Not a chance! Now that I see everything for what it is and see him for the empty man he is, I am on the road to recovery. I am finally feeling like me again. I can't wait for the day that (quoting from another ex girlfriend of his) his name is "long forgotten". Now that is where we all want to be!

beamoflight's picture

Thank you. I'll need to read

Thank you. I'll need to read this over and over... and over and over and over and over and over....

kellychi's picture

THanks, Lisa,I am going

THanks, Lisa,
I am going through this right now: "he/she will emotionally and physically withdraw from you and leave you wondering what you did wrong."

I know I am dealing with a disorderd person, because a year ago, he belittled me and critisized me as his form of abuse, and eventually charmed me back making me believe that things would change....... but this time it has turned into not recognizing my needs emotionally, leaving the country for a month with minimal, very dry contact.

I am quite shocked that he could use every type of abuse possible.

I have tried many times the past weeks to break up with him, while he just wants to leave the marriage hanging by strings, not acknowledging my feelings, or projecting my complaints about him onto me. He thinks I am not the one not acknowledging his thoughts and needs and I am the one who shows no interest in him.

Lisa E. Scott's picture

Kellychi

I'm so sorry he is putting you through this. It is such typical narc behavior to tell you that you are the one not acknowledging his thoughts and needs. Narcissists are all about PROJECTING their own issues onto you. When he accuses you of something, you can guarantee, he is the one guilty of the behavior!

Please don't let him do this to you. Stand your ground. You deserve to be treated better. Do not allow him to manipulate and brainwash you. Knowledge is power. Use your understanding of this insidious disorder to make sure your needs are being met and if not, move on! We are here for you. xoxo

kellychi's picture

Thanks again for your kind

Thanks again for your kind words :)

We broke up yesterday, after weeks of barely any contact and him not having any desire to hang out when I have a week off from work coming. I know he is getting his N. Supply from his art, trying to become a successful artist in NYC.

I have to say I am a wreck, crying alot, thinking that today is the first day of real No Contact, I am very much depressed only thinking about loosing my best friend, even though I know i deserved to be treated better like you said.

Monica's picture

Kelly...I am where you are, too

I am so sorry you are feeling so low and depressed, crying a lot. I can honestly say I am there, too. Mine ended (for the second time - BIG mistake - never take them back) a week ago. It was so traumatic that I don't even remember the days after that. I had a car accident and have no idea how it happened. I only just learned this week through my therapist and other friends (who I never told about what I was going through) that I had been verbally and emotionally abused. I had no idea. His ex-wife had accused him of the same and I thought she was the crazy one. Now I just feel very sorry for her.

Mine was my best friend, too. Ours was a three year friendship that turned into an almost one year relationship. He ended it abruptly, but I had already sensed that he was seeking out new "supply." For 9 months I had given him everything....all my time, energy, support, love, encouragement....as he went through a tough time in his life. I was USED pure and simple, as well as abused.

Do what you can to shut him out of your life completely. I have him blocked from contacting me and tonight I am going to throw away everything around me that reminds me of him, everything he ever gave me. I am forcing myself to get out, get my nails done, see friends. And no more secrets. I told no one of what I was going through and I am telling them now to insure that I close every possible door to him ever trying to get back into my life (which he had done many times before).

I really feel for you right now. Everyone says it will get better. Right now it doesn't seem like that but, deep inside, I know it will. Stay strong. Keep him away from you.

AquariusGal's picture

terror shock

As i read i was shock in terror.
How did is describe it so well.
Eyes open and stunned into blank for awhile.
Nothing can be said.
That is it.

It is exactely what describe here.

Susan32's picture

Sometimes it goes on longer

My experience with the ex-Psych prof lasted only 4 years. He idolized Leo Tolstoy, who did it to his much younger wife Sofia, over a period of 48 years. He'd abandon her, especially when she was pregnant (she bore 13 children-5 survived into adulthood) or in distress. When she was pregnant with her last child, Leo threatened to move to America&had packed his bags. When she was in pain after giving birth to her first child, Leo threatened to kill her and emotionally abused her because she was unable to breastfeed. His emotional abuse often led to her attempting or contemplating suicide. He'd abandon her even when they were in the same house, then write letters about how much he loved her. He was so emotionally aloof that he and Sofia read each other's diaries instead of communicating with each other face to face.

Leo cruelly rejected his family in his final days. He was alienated from his own children, except for Alexandra who stayed at his side.

In the end, Sofia was still blaming herself. She wasn't allowed to be at Leo's bedside when he was dying. After Leo died, she went to his grave, daily, apologizing.

Yes, the author of "War and Peace" D&D'd his WHOLE family. He was incredibly indifferent towards his family, especially his kids (despite his praise of the family in the first epilogue, his treatise on family sounds like something penned by the Traditional Values Coalition) It's not just the spouses and lovers who suffer. So do the kids.

spinning's picture

Lisa, this is

the cold, hard truth.

Thank you for all your most enlightening blogs. And for this board and community. It has helped me reach the point where I am grateful that he's gone.

And after reading this I feel like taking a shower. They're GROSS. YUCK!!

Thanks again.

sincerely (finally slowing down from) spinning

indenial's picture

hurts

It hurts to read that. Hurts me to know I mean nothing to him. Can't get my head round it.

ifinallygotit's picture

in denial

Yeah, I still switch back and forth between acceptance of this disorder (10 years of love and friendship meant nothing), to shock of the abandonment, to denial thinking, well he really MUST miss me deep down - but his FB says the story! Happy as a lark. living large with a new gross GF a few months later! He never bothered to say we were over. Just left town and acts like nothing ever happened...
Lisa, you really nailed it and are an excellent writer! Thanks!
I am embarrassed because I am middle aged, have had other really bad relationships and am only just beginning to get this stuff...it is so heavy...

OnlyChild49's picture

in denial

Don't be embarrassed. It seems very complicated and illogical to me. I was 58 when I met the N online, but had never experienced this before. Maybe I did earlier in life and didn' know it. I did date another very angry man since my divorce, but it wasn't like this. Bad, but not an N. I was planning to grow old with my hubby instead of dating these idiots, however, that's another story.

Lisa E. Scott's picture

Ladies

Please remember, it's not that you meant NOTHING to him. Trust me, you made him feel ALIVE! He never would have spent time with you if he didn't enjoy your company and love being with you! Unfortunately, however, they are incapable of genuine feelings of love and simply cannot reciprocate what we deserve. Please know you meant EVERYTHING to him. In his own, strange way, he loved you, but is simply not capable of the kind of love we are accustomed to or deserve. Be grateful he is out of your life so you are open to meeting someone who is capable of real genuine love. You deserve nothing less! Oh, and no one should be embarassed for falling for him. Narcissists are unbelievably charming and fun as hell. Anyone would fall hard for them! There is NOTHING to be embarassed about. xoxo

fraidythecat's picture

re: Ladies

Thank you, Lisa, for this comment. I think it is very helpful in that it sort of softens the blow of D&D. I've done a ton of reading on NPD and if they are not physically abusive, it's hard not to feel a bit sorry for them - they'll never be able to know true connection to someone, and that is a lonely place. And many became N out of an abusive childhood - that was their survival as a kid, to become protective of self - only they never grew out of it....

Those of us who are co dep, can tend to want to "help" the hurt little boys inside these men who are now an N. Ladies, if I've learned one thing over the years of therapy for my twisted family, it's that we can not, nor should we try to fix anyone else but ourselves.

It is not our job to fix/help/save someone else. You can suggest therapy, but as it appears in most cases, an N doesn't feel the need to heal/change - they don't hurt like we do - they have a wall over their hearts.

Generally we want to get things fixed or change them if we feel pain. They don't feel pain when things are bad - they feel it when things start to feel good...b/c it's not something they ever learned as a kid. (in the abusive cases anyway.)

Thank you Lisa for reminding us that we did actually mean something to them - we have that much going as a positive in that it actually HAS to be true or they'd not have picked us.

What we CAN take away is that they do usually pick beautiful, successful, powerful, etc. women and so KNOW you ARE all of those things he said to you - but, you don't need him to tell you, you need to learn to believe it without someone, anyone else, telling you - it is your true self reflecting back to you - take the good things he told you about yourself, they are true!! Discard the negative things, those were only done out of his defense when he started feeling something; they subconsciously (or consciencely in some cases) sabotage anyone who DOES mean something to them b/c it sends off red flags in their minds! (OMG what is this? A person who might love me? We can't have that!!) Their minds can't calculate real connections.

It's toxic no matter what the reason they became N, and we are not in this life to be on a roller coaster ride or fix them. Unless you're a therapist, and then you should be getting paid - not made nuts.

This has been the single most helpful site on the web, Lisa, and I thank you for it. I only wish all high school girls (and guys for that matter) could be warned of it and all parents taught to look for the traits and start early to correct the issues in the home that often turn out this personality disorder. It's a shame it's such an epidemic. It's all about pain - for those who were abused as kids anyway - and then the pain they inflict on us as we fall for them.

I don't want to become bitter and hateful - so I try to understand instead. Maybe if he was the spoiled brat type N, I wouldn't see it this way? But thankfully I'm out now, regardless. Bitterness doesn't heal - releasing and forgiving, moving on and loving ourselves better does.

fc

Better Now's picture

Thank you so much Fraidythecat --

I know this is an older post so don't know if you'll see this, but thank you from the bottom of my heart for your eloquent post. I have come to a blip in the road in my recovery and am hugely struggling.

You're post settled my heart and brought me a moment of peace. I will read it often until I get my obsessive thoughts under control.

Sandy_64's picture

RE: Ladies

Lisa,

I must say this is the most helpful thing I have ever seen on the blogs, and I have been reading for well over a year. It dispels some of those "why in the hell couldn't I see it coming" feelings. Thank you so much.