Being in love with a narcissist is a confusing state of affairs, to say the least. In the beginning, a narcissist makes you feel incredibly loved and valued. He appears to be head-over-heels in love with you and worships the ground you walk on. He writes you poetry, takes you out for romantic dinners, and finds all your little quirks endearing and adorable.
Once a narcissist feels he has obtained control of you (through marriage or moving in together), you will see a completely different side of him that you never knew existed. Unfortunately this is the REAL him. Narcissists have often been described as having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. Once in control, a narcissist becomes demeaning and cruel.
Narcissists are not normal and completely oblivious to others and how their behavior affects people close to them. Unfortunately, this doesn't make their behavior any less hurtful. Narcissists dismiss the feelings, ideas, and opinions of others. They themselves are unable to 'feel.' They are condescending in their nature. They belittle, criticize, judge, and put others down. They can be blatant about it but are often quite subtle in their approach. They have a way of putting you down in such a way that you don't even realize you have been insulted until you reflect upon the conversation later.
While narcissists are oblivious to the fact that their behavior hurts others, it does not mean that at times, they are not deliberately abusive. They often enjoy hurting others and get off on it. A narcissist is purposefully abusive when the relationship with his significant other changes in a way that is not to his liking. An example of this would be when a significant other becomes too close or needs intimacy. Real intimacy terrifies a narcissist as they have no clue what it is, and he will respond by being purposefully abusive in order to push the person away.
Another example of when a narcissist would be intentionally abusive is when a significant other voices her displeasure or threatens to leave the relationship. By asserting abusive behavior, a narcissist believes he can maintain his dominance and control over his significant other. Control is the name of their game. They control everyone to protect their rock solid delusions.
A narcissist has a way of turning everything around so you begin to question yourself. He will do something terribly mean or cruel. You will talk to him about it, but by the end of the conversation, you are the one apologizing for some reason. A narcissist knows how to manipulate better than anyone. They trauma-bond you to them through mind control & coercion.
In my experience, a narcissist eventually becomes sarcastic and belittles you constantly. You begin to feel you can do nothing right in his eyes and your presence is hardly tolerable. You're baffled. You wonder what you did wrong to cause such a drastic change in his feelings toward you. You struggle desperately to return things to the way they were in the beginning. Unfortunately, as hard as you try, things will never be the same again. This is because everything he did in the beginning was a planned seductive lure done by profiling and mirroring you to secure your obedience, nothing more. It is a maddening and precarious way to live. It can and does drive anyone to the edge of their sanity.
When I did take any real steps at ending either relationship, if verbally abusive behavior did not work to force me into submission, the false self would be the next weapon of defense in their artillery. I think a narcissist believes if his false self worked once to win you over, it will work again to keep you around or win you back. This is also called HOOVERING and HONEYMOONING. Don't believe it.
At this point he will lay on the charm. A narcissist knows when to charm and is sure to remind you that he understands you like no one else can or ever will. He's been profiling you for a while and he know precisely what buttons to push to keep you in line. It is essential for a narcissist to make you believe only he can understand you. By constantly telling you that you have problems and quirks only he can understand, you start to believe him and begin to feel unlovable in some strange paranoid way.
By telling you he loves you despite your flaws, he makes you dependent on him. This is a narcissist's way to ensure you will never leave him. It is narcissistic manipulation at its finest, because the dependent one is truly them.
When a narcissist feels he is in control of you and is not threatened by any fear that you will ask for too much from him or leave the relationship, he will engage in escapist activity (cheating, disappearing, confusing statements) and appear as if he hardly notices you exist the majority of the time. You are merely present to dispense secondary Narcissistic Supply (i.e. attention) should his current primary NS fail to meet his needs for the day.
This is when we must remember we did nothing wrong. It is all about him, ladies. A narcissist will simply discard people when he becomes convinced that they can no longer provide him with sufficient Narcissistic Supply. Discard like a used tissue. You are not stupid, gullible, naive or clueless. You were targeted, lured and brainwashed by a master.
Keep in mind, this evaluation of his is totally subjective and not grounded in reality at all. These men are delusional and you mustn't forget that. Suddenly because of boredom, a disagreement, an act or a failure to act, the narcissist swings from total idealization to complete devaluation. It has zero to do with you or anything you did. Zero.
He then disconnects from you immediately. He needs to preserve all of his energy in order to obtain and secure new sources of Narcissistic Supply and sees no need to spend any of his precious time on you, whom he now considers useless. But please remember, he will repeat this same cycle with his new source of narcissistic supply. It is inevitable. Be grateful this toxic abusive man is out of your life and never let him back in. NEVER.