About a year into seeing my N I was still in the idealizaton phase and we were almost inseparable and could laugh and joke about everything.

Everything wasn't 'perferct' and the 'red flags' were there, I just chose to interpret them and systematically 'have a reason' for his behavioor. Plus, he still held me on a pedastal and always wanted me around, despite what he did otherwise, so I 'tolerated' it. I THOUGHT I was immune, that there was something 'special' about me (fed by his lines of 'you have the BEST personality I have ever met', 'i never want to know life without you, moreso you are my best frined', and my favorite 'if i were stranded on a desert island right now, and could only have one person it would be you and nobody else.')

Anyway, we would always joke about me being a 'doctor' although I didn't have a liscence because I try and solve and understand things myself.

I jokingly emailed him one day and delcared his obsession with women and inability to 'be faithful' was caused by IPD (Insensitive Personality Disorder). He LOVED this. He made an 'icon' for it (as he put it 'like autism has a puzzle and gay people have a rainbow). His icon for IPD was a man's face looking forward and two women's faces looking towards the man's face on either side.

He even created a definition, which is quite funny. i tried to find it in my emails. it is somewhere in there, i will post it when I find it.

BUT after I 'diagnosed' him with IPD a few months later something triggered in my brain from a psychology class I took about Narcissistis Perosnality Disorder (NPD). I was floored. It was my 'N' to a 'T' so I started REALLY disecting and watching his behaviors and patterns.

It was a year later that we bought a house together and that, I beleive when Devaluation set in. Now, a year after buying the house he says he 'feels like he lives with his mom' he will start arguments out of thin air, especially right before he goes to see one of his NS.

I have went from being soemone's 'best friend' and he 'would marry if we were in vegas' to a 'festering nodule that won't go away', 'i can't complete anything in life without him unless he gives me 100% attention', and 'you argue with me like everyday or at least every time i talk to you.' (Which I don't. I barely even speak to him because I never know what mood he is in anymore and don't want to 'trigger' HIS argumentative state).

It is frustrating. Even though I SUBMERGE myself in online information and realize who he is, by living with him, I still magically think we can go 'back to the way it used to be' at minimum the fun guy friend part.

I am hurt, confused, angry, dissapointed.

But I also know that I can eventually move on. Eventually.

Like to add my comment on this thread.

Something (after she was gone) that my sister said gave me thought to reflect when my sister stated “I don’t know but she is very very selfish.”

It was this very very that made me think just how selfish is very?

So after reading an article written by *Dr. Carver about losers and abusers I started researching this topic even more.

I soon ran across many sites and books on PD (Personality Disorders) which gave me more information concerning my inner question “how selfish can selfish be?”

Soon what I been researching and reading sounded so much like her. But because this happen soon after she was gone I at first didn’t want to believe it. In fact I tried over and over again to find reasons not too believe it. But it was all in vain for each time my reading brought me right back to square one. I feeling a lost over her only then brought me a deeper reality that I really lost her for good. So in a way I lost her twice not just once. I knew my answer now about the question but also knew and learned much more then I bargain for. I knew that we never had a chance together and what happen was inevitable and would have happen at some time sooner or later, according to my research. Also it explained so much about past events about her that left me confused hurt and in a state of denial. When the pieces started to fall into place the world before me was a picture of truth and pain unknown to be then ever before. Like the movie the Matrix I too wonder should I have taken the blue pill instead of the red one? But also like neo I needed to know. Like Morphous stated The Matrix couldn’t be explain only that one must experience it to understand it completely.

http://www.drjoecarver.com/